For all the fun and the new interesting people and places that living in New Jersey had brought there was the beginning of the thought that nothing I could do or say could make Dennis happy. Well, maybe it wasn't the first time I realized I couldn't make him happy. The move to New Jersey, the house and everything else magnified his unhappiness.
In the fifteen years we had been married I tried really hard to keep him from getting mad at the smallest of things to no use. I think Wes and Wally actually thought my name was "God, dammit, Donna" as he seemed to call me that at least once or twice a week. If He got mad at big things, like burning the house down or wrecking the car maybe it would have been easier to deal with. However, it was the little things like blowing a fuse from too many electrical things being on at the same time, my making plans to go somewhere or inviting someone over for dinner usually caused a temper tantrum and the silent treatment for several days.
I grew up in a house where Mother would be upset at Dad, Paul or me and not speak to us for sometimes two weeks at a time. It was a pattern of behavior I was used to although it was behavior I hated. Perhaps that is where I learned to try to always keep the waters calm even though I knew that was impossible. The funny thing was that Dennis always accused me of being just like my Mother who he really disliked. No, sorry he was just like my Mother which is why they never got along.
The moral to this little story is that you can not make someone else happy. Happiness is only what you make of it yourself. My thought that the move to New Jersey might be good for Dennis was really a mistake as it only made him more unhappy and more difficult to live with. The only thing I knew to do was to keep trying to make him not explode by having the yard mowed, the wash and ironing done, the cars washed and the house clean. For all the fun stories I write and the fantastic friends I had there was a dark side at the home front that no one knew about.
Don't think the idea of leaving never crossed my mind. It is easy to think that I did not have to put up with that kind of behavior but years of being told how stupid I was left a doubt that I could survive on my own. Confronting him on his behavior was something I had tried many years before and there was no winning an argument with him. According to him I was too dumb to get into medical school, terrible at decorating because I did not charge enough and what job could get I get when
In a lot of ways verbal abuse is a lot worse than physical abuse. Usually physical abusers apologize, swear they are never going to do it again and proclaim how much they love the one they abuse. With verbal abuse there are no apologizes, no profession about never saying awful things again and life goes on. To all outward appearances we looked like a happy couple, nice home, new cars and great kids. By this time it was ingrained in my brain to put on the happy face for the kids and the world. I also developed great empathy for other women in bad relationships who could not seem to make an exit from them. The old "been there, done that" thing.
Without realizing it my survival depended on friends, getting involved in the community, staying busy in general and Barney. It would have been easy to sink into depression, never leave the house or become an alcoholic as I had observed many other Ford wives did. Maybe because Mother treated me much the same way that Dennis did I learned very early that other people might find value in you even if family doesn't. So I worked really hard at making and keeping friends plus learning lots of new skills. Some people would say how amazing I was but no, I was just surviving the best way I knew how to.
When we made the move yo Kansas City I was concerned that my friendship with Barney would slowly disappear. There are a lot of miles between the two towns that would be difficult to navigate. But to my surprise there were still the phones calls every Tuesday and he managed to make brief stops in Philadelphia every six or eight weeks. You have to give a guy credit that manages to make a four hour layover in Philadelphia when he is headed from Kansas City to Atlanta. Lunches at the airport, a trip to a museum or a walk along the Schuylkill River were happy times and I realized he wasn't going to just disappear. Although our conversations stayed away from our spouses I often wondered if maybe he needed someone who always believed in him like I did.
There are probably a lot of people who can relate to this story. I did not write it for anyone to feel sorry for me but maybe so you can understand that everyone has their share of problems and their own way of getting through life. The old adage about never knowing what goes on in other people's relationships is very true and it is difficult to judge someone until you have walked in their shoes.
Now back to the story.
There was some urban myth that the national organization of the PTA, the Parent Teacher Association started in Riverton, New Hersey. Not sure that is true but when the boys brought home an announcement of the first Home and School meeting after school started I thought I would attend. Being a good Mom I thought I should at least go check it out. Big mistake. Only two of the newly elected officers showed up. The President had quit before the first meeting and the Treasurer had left town. Strange how a person can get elected President when the only ones in attendance at the meeting were the Principal, the Vice-President, the Secretary and myself. Suddenly my baking cupcakes and cookies for Homeroom parties expanded into a territory I did not know much about.
No comments:
Post a Comment