Words

Finally the day came when the house was officially done.  Goodbye to seven weeks of residence at the Holiday Inn, eating out three times a day and trying to think of things to do other than stare at the four walls of what had become a very tiny room.   As exciting as it was to be moving in it was also much more difficult than moving out.

Every move is hard on all your belongings.  Things do get broken, scratched, dented or lost and having to put things into storage counts as two moves - in the truck at the previous house, out of the truck into storage, into the truck to be delivered and out of the truck into the new house.  Dennis was not very happy that somehow in all the melee the hood of our 1950 black Mercury had a huge dent all the way across the hood. Did not make for a happy day.

I think while they were unloading the truck a multitude of landscaping companies began arriving at the door.  Each came with a detailed drawing of what our yard should look like all of which looked pretty similar to everyone else's.  We settled on one and in a day's time we had grass, trees, shrubs, lava rock filled flower beds and a few flowers.  Sorting out the house would take much longer but there really was no reason to hurry.  Besides there was something more pressing that needed to be taken care of first.

My class reunion was scheduled for two weeks after we moved into the house. Dennis had known about it since I had sent the money in for our reservations months before.  When I mentioned it a few days after we moved in he informed me we certainly could not go since we had just moved into the house. I actually said that "we" may not be going but I certainly was.  Silence.......for days.

For days I went from being so excited at the thought of getting to see all the people I grew up with after twenty years that it was hard to get anything done.  I bought a new dress for the banquet, a dress that I actually felt pretty in.  Somehow I had gotten in contact with my only girl friend besides Lisa, my next door neighbor, Pat.  She only went to Muskogee Central her junior and senior years and did not really feel like it was her class but agreed to come. She was going to stay with me at Dennis's parents house so we could gossip and giggle.

Then on other days I wondered why I was making such a big deal of this.  No one would even remember who I was as I was not one of the so called popular girls.  Would everyone have changed and I would not even recognize anyone?  Maybe it would be better for everyone if I just stayed home as I had the feeling I was setting myself up for another huge disappointment. But going to the reunion was important to me.  All the moving around the country, making friends and the losing contact with them as your life changes takes it's toll.  I had the need to go "home" to see people I had spent eighteen years with and shared the growing up years with.

We left Michigan on a Thursday for the reunion.  Dennis was not happy about it but I had planned, organized and executed his reunion a few years before all by myself so I figured he owed me this one. I poured over my high school yearbook to study up on all the people I would try to recognize. Lisa had said I should come to help decorate on Friday afternoon and I had to meet Pat in Muskogee so I was looking forward to seeing a small group of people first.

The reunion that year consisted of a get together around the indoor pool at  - of all things - a Holiday Inn on Friday night.  Saturday afternoon was a family get together at Honor Heights Park and Saturday night was a dance at the Muskogee Country Club. It was a very nervous drive into Muskogee around noon to meet Pat and to help decorate. Anyone who grew up in Muskogee can't go back without going to Chet's for a chili dog.  Dennis would never go to Chet's so that was my first stop and there were three of my classmates there all whom recognized me when I walked in the door. What ever doubts I had about coming home for the reunion vanished as I ate my chili dog and laughed with friends I had not seen in twenty years.

I was overwhelmed by everyone that was there to decorate in that they all remembered me, thought I had lost weight and that I looked okay after twenty years.  By the time Pat arrived and we headed back to Warner I was on cloud nine although I knew to temper it down for Dennis to just the decorating went fine.  I could tell when we left to go to the get together he was not happy but having Pat with us he really could not say much. I know it is hard for spouse's who are not a member of the class to feel comfortable and I did try to include him in conversations but it was difficult. It was fun for me because I could easily recognize almost every one.  There was so much laughter over all the silly things we did back then. Pat and I shared a room at Dennis's house so we spent a lot of the night remembering silly things about those school years.

Saturday afternoon we took the boys to the gathering at the park.  It was fun to see everyone with their children.  Wes and Wally had plenty of room to run and play and I did manage to get Dennis to go to Chet's so the boys were introduced to their first Chet's chili dog - with cheese, of course. They were hooked on their first bite. On the way back to Warner I was noticing how quiet Dennis had become and did begin to worry some, but thank heavens for Pat being with us.

By the time we left to go to the Country Club I could tell Dennis was about to explode over the all reunion stuff.  All I could get were one word answers, if that and did worry about what time he would pick to explode even having Pat with us.  We managed to make it to the club and in the door okay.  There were a lot more classmates at the dance that I had not seen so there were more smiles and hugs.  We found a table to sit at with some of my favorite classmates.  I will say here that Dennis does not dance.  Ford Motor Company had dinner and dance things all the time and he still was cordial.  I was not so lucky this time.

Perhaps it was my mistake that when someone asked me to dance and I jumped at the chance.  Maybe I should have just sat at that table and not talked to anyone.  At some point in the evening Dennis suggested we go outside for a minute.  I should have refused but I was still trying hard to get through the evening.  I can not repeat what he said to me outside since I try not to use words like that but somehow I managed to not say anything back to him, as usual, and hold it together long enough to get to the backroom where I sat and cried for thirty minutes.

A couple of things about crying that night.  One is that when I cry my eyes swell up sometimes to the point where I can hardly see.  Not a good thing.  In the bathroom I was trying very hard not to cry but a ladies bathroom is a pretty busy place.  Pat and Lisa were trying to console me and every time someone else came in and asked what was wrong I burst into tears. Lisa tried to get me to be mad and in her infinite way used all those words I don't write here to describe Dennis. I would laugh for a minute and then burst into tears.  Needless to say that was the end of my evening. I went out of the bathroom, picked up my purse and headed out the door.  Dennis followed and the three of us headed back to Warner in total silence. There have been many times through the years I have cringed at the thought of the scene I made in the bathroom. Could I ever go back to another reunion after that one?

Maybe I should have known Dennis would behave the way he did.  It was pretty typical of how he behaved for twenty years but I never pushed him to the breaking point. There were countless times that I wanted to do something but would back down to keep the waters calm.
I stopped skating except with the boys, I moved around the country without really complaining, I dropped friends he did not like, did not see my family as much as I wanted or should have, gone to countless company affairs I hated with people I did not want to be around and he could not let me have one weekend with all the people I grew up with.
That weekend goes down as one of the best from the aspect of all my classmates and also the absolute worst weekend of my life because of Dennis.

We headed back to Michigan the next morning. Dennis was all of a sudden being normal. I did my best to refrain from crying again.  The really interesting thing is that he never mentioned anything about the entire weekend.  Nothing.  It was like those three days never existed or that nothing happened at all.  I wanted to tell him how hurt, angry and disappointed I was with him.  Why did he have to ruin everything I wanted to do?  But I did not know how since every time I tried to tell him he was wrong he had always turned it around to make me out the bad person. I also did know that not standing my ground all those years added to his behavior towards me.

Remember the old phrase you learned when you were growing up that said "Sticks and stones can hurt my bones but words can never harm me"?  Well that is totally wrong.  Bones can heal but words hang in the little folds of your brain forever.  Words can never be taken back or forgotten.

When we arrived home I did my usual thing and reverted back into the lady who did the wash, the ironing, cleaned the house and had dinner on the table at 5:15.  The yard was always mowed by Friday afternoon and the cars were washed.  I took the dress I bought for the reunion to Goodwill as every time I saw it in the closet I started to cry.  But I also made some changes that were not very noticeable in the beginning.