A Visit With Mother

If there was anything I Should Have Known in my lifetime journey it was why my relationship with my mother was so difficult. Writing now it is hard to reflect on our relationship back then without slipping in all the things I did learn later.  But that whole story would take another book.  So I will try to stay in that time frame.

We had lived in Kansas City for seven months before Mother finally decided to come for a visit. There always seemed to be some reason for her not to come, she was busy, there was a lot of snow, Ninette was here and so on and so on. I was looking forward to her arrival and dreading it at the same time.  But the house looked perfect, the boys were presentable, lots of food in the cupboard, Kansas City had lots of places for us to see and all the neighbors were anxious to meet her. Before her expected arrival sometime in the early afternoon Wally and I drove the three mile course I had mapped out for the daily run making sure it had the least hills possible which wasn't easy, then baked cookies and an apple pie.  Thank heavens Karen invited us for lunch across the street.  It killed time and Wally could play with Karen's son.

She finally arrived late in the afternoon a little confused.  One has know that my Mother was directionally challenged.  When she married George and moved to Oklahoma City the only way she could find her way home was to be able to see the tall, round Founder's Tower so I was not surprised.  I had sent her a map, a picture of the house, written out where to exit the freeway and what she would pass if she missed any turn.  That must have not been helpful as she had to stop three different times for directions. The last stop was not very far away and a gentleman offered to lead her to the house. At fifty-six years of age, five foot nine and very trim she was very good at getting men to help a damsel in distress.

I took her on a tour of the house which she really liked.  Access to her room was from a catwalk that went across the back of the two story living room which she thought was really neat.  Wes arrived home from school and disappeared on his bike, Karen came over to meet Mom and Dennis arrived home on his best behavior.  We discussed what to do the next day and of course there was the jog at 6:00 am, Wes off to school, Wally to the church at 9:00 and the day was ours to go to the Country Club Plaza to shop and have lunch. I fell into bed thinking all had gone pretty well for day one.

Guess I should say here that to me race horses run, sports people run in games they get paid to run in and regular people only run if they hear a child cry or the house is on fire. At 6:00 am with new running shoes on I felt like I was breaking some rule of nature.  Mother arrived in the kitchen dressed in a very fashionable running outfit, I was in shorts and a yucky sweatshirt, all cheerful and ready to do warm-up exercises. Dennis was not happy he needed to take care of the boys and breakfast.
Upon hitting the street I realized that our entire subdivision was all a series of mountains that only appeared to be little inclines. Even though I actually thought I was going to die at any second when Mother asked me how I was doing I would flash a big smile and say "great"! It was with great relief and a little bit of pride when I ran up our drive way and realized I was still alive.

We drove to the Country Club Plaza on my favorite route through the old, stately neighborhoods of Kansas City while I pointed out all the sights I knew.  Kansas City actually has more fountains that Rome and we made it past most of them.  She loved the Plaza as that was where all the expensive stores were and the great restaurants.  Mother had this passion for shopping and I was usually the target.  I use the term target as she only bought clothes for me that she liked which were 180 degrees from what I liked.  That day I came home with one of those running outfits and an Albert Nipon dress ($300.00) that was red with white polka dots.  Yes, it did look cute on me but I thought I needed a big red nose and huge shoes as I felt like a clown.  Oh well, maybe I could make it into a Halloween costume.  Lunch was at a little Italian place which was awesome.  The evening went well as Mother and I sat out on the deck and carefully avoided Dennis.  So far, so good.

I did better the next day on the run and maybe it was the new running outfit that made me feel like I knew what I was doing.  Mother breezed through the cupboards and planned dinner for the evening and got most of it ready before we ventured off for the day. Since it was a beautiful day and we had Wally I decided we should go to 12th Street and Vine for the Friday brown bag and blues lunch on the street.  We went by a Deli and got sandwiches and drinks, found a place on the steps of a building, had lunch and listened to some great music.  Also on Fridays there was a tour of Hallmark Cards in the Crown Center. I had done the tour with the New Neighbors and it was really fun.  For a dollar Wally could play in the playroom and Mother really enjoyed the tour showing the artists actually creating the cards to the printing and the shipping.  
Crown Center also had lots of nice shops so Mother came home with several items of new clothes for her.

When we got home on Friday from touring around Karen came over and asked how long Mother was staying.  Interesting that I hadn't asked but she said she needed to go home on Sunday.  Karen announced that she and two of the other neighbors were planning a cookout at Gary Krings house if Mother was going to be there Saturday evening. Mother thought that would be fun and said we would come.  Needless to say, Dennis was not happy but he agreed to go just because Gary was the only neighbor he liked.  Pretty cool when the neighbors throw a party for your Mother. That evening we sat on the deck again and she grilled me on what I was going to do about medical school. I explained that I was going to see the admissions people at each school the next week and would apply again. We talked about the health clinic but I did not tell her about wallpapering for Gary Krings or the possibility that I had an interior design job.  Day two down - one to go.

I felt pretty good on the jog on Saturday and did not have to fake the smile.  Wes had a soccer game at 10:00 so that took up the morning.  Dennis was dying to go to a restaurant called Stroud's so we all went there for lunch.  Stroud's was underneath an abandoned railroad trestle in an older part of Kansas City. Usually you had to wait in a line outside but you could get a beer or a glass of wine to enjoy while you waited in line....sometimes for an hour. The decor was leftover from the thirties with tables propped up with plates or ashtrays to make them sit even on the sagging wooden floor. There were mismatched wooden chairs with very faded red and white checked tablecloths.  In the middle of the floor was a full size grand piano that a lady who had to be at least 100 sat at in a faded long black dress and played and sang songs for your entertainment.  The only thing on the menu was fried chicken, chicken gizzards or chicken livers, mashed potatoes and green beans. It was like being taken back on a time machine to some other era but that was the best fried chicken I ever ate. Stroud's was always a unique experience and one of my favorites.

Mother had whipped up a pot of baked beans that she put in the oven before we left for lunch so we took those and a cheese ball I made to the cookout. The small gathering had grown to about fifty people including all the little ones. Everyone had brought food to share and it was all wonderful almost to the point of looking like a contest as to who could cook the best.  My neighbors were all friendly which comes from the fact that we all had moved from someplace else.  Without family all of us transient people sort of hung together.  Mother was very good at meeting new people and by the end of the evening she had many invitations for the next time she was here to go do this or go see that.  
I did take notice that after we ate that Dennis had vanished.  Except for his disappearing act Day Three went very well.

The jog went really well on Sunday and I thought for a moment I could do this everyday......not.  Dennis was barely speaking at breakfast and headed for the garage before Mother left.  I decided to let her follow me to the highway so she didn't get lost again. Needless to say a great sense of relief swept over me as her car disappeared down the road.  I spent four days saying "yes, Mother", "I will Mother" and agreeing with her about things I really did not agree with to keep her happy. I had grown up spending every day trying to please her and that pattern of behavior was not something I knew how to change.  Obviously I carried on with the same behavior with Dennis.

Guess I must have done something wrong while she was there since Dennis didn't speak to me for four days. Actually that was okay as I had a pretty busy week ahead with the two appointments at the medical schools, the health clinic job and decisions on Barney's house.  It also felt very nice to be grown up again instead of Mother's twelve year old daughter.

Just An Ordinary Day

At some point in time I discovered that making lists of everything that needed to be done in a certain time frame worked well for me.  No list meant that it was time to goof off and nothing gets done. Between the time I got home from the wonderful picnic and dinner I went room by room in the house to create the immaculizing plan for the Mother visit. It included fixing up the room Ninette had stayed in as a room for Mother and an thorough cleaning. The list was pretty extensive and forced a second list called Shopping for all those things like new towels I had put off getting. To the shopping list I had to add the new running shoes and maybe new shoes for Wes and Wally plus their haircuts so Mother did not complain about that.

Making a grocery list was out of the question as I was never good at deciding what I wanted to eat four days in advance. Plus I did not know what current diet, carbs, no carbs, meat, no meat that Mother was currently following.  Easy way was is just go buy one of everything in the store. Last list was what else I needed to do like call the medical schools for an appointment, go to work at the Health Clinic on Monday night, do a crash course in how to be an interior designer by 10:30 on Tuesday and then arrange it on a calendar to make sure I got the timing right on getting everything done. Just two legal pages of things to do in the next four days.  But it sure is fun to mark everything off the lists when they are done.

By Monday morning the boys looked great in their new shoes and haircuts, every piece of furniture had been moved so the woodwork was all shiny and the carpet vacuumed, my new running shoes were in the closet awaiting their debut and the car was washed.  After Wes went to school on Monday Wally, who at four and a half made a good shopping buddy, and I ventured off to get the new towels and bedding for the guest room and the expensive trip to the grocery store. The amount of groceries I purchased was greater than the cupboard space so some had to be stored in the basement. I did make the calls to the two medical school and set appointments for the following week.  By the time I had to go off to my volunteer job at the Health Clinic the only thing remaining on the list of things to do was a crash course in interior design.  Oh well, one can't be perfect and I crossed it off the list since there really wasn't such a thing.

Being an interior designer was never in my mind of things I aspired to be.  Somehow I had developed a disdain for them as they always seemed to be dressed to the hilt with lots of gold jewelry and driving an expensive car. The jewelry and the car were from the astronomical prices they charged. I had a nice new Mercury station wagon just because Dennis worked for Ford but forget the rest. Needless to say it was with great apprehension that I drove off to Barney's house armed with a tape measure and note pad and not an idea in my head as to what I was doing.


The house was in a very nice looking neighborhood, maybe ten to fifteen years old.  Thank heavens that the moment he answered the door all the fear of doing this faded away especially when I found out that Lauren was in school and would not be home.  It was a nice house, two story and I knew enough decorator words to say it had good bones and a nice flow.  He had gotten a real deal on it and as we toured the house I could understand why as it needed a lot of help.    Not only had it been decorated in some other out -of -date design phase but most of the drapes looked like they were from the clearance table at a Sears outlet store.

Barney wanted to just do the downstairs first so we went room by room.  I measured windows while he, to my amazement, told me pretty much what he wanted. Of course some of the rooms needed to be painted as neither of us could imagine having dinner in an orange dining room. Wallpaper with mean looking roosters on it in the kitchen did not do much for wanting to stay in there long enough to cook anything. The powder room had a foil wallpaper with huge flowers on it much too large for the size of the room.  I did ask him if the previous owners had paid him to take it off their hands.

There was still one room to check out but Barney decided it was - surprise - time for lunch. Didn't know you usually fed your decorator lunch but was informed that I was no regular decorator. So we had a very impressive shrimp and pasta salad that Barney had made while the wallpaper roosters looked on.  During lunch he wanted to know if my prices were reasonable before he committed to all the stuff.  I had to confess that since I was new at this I really didn't have any idea. My best thought when we figured out all the fabric and blinds I would just go to the most expensive interior design place in town and have them give me a price for them to do it.  It would be very simple to then add 25% on to it for me to do the work.  Somehow I managed to keep at straight face when I told him that but the look on his face ruined it as I just started laughing.  He then stated I would get no more free lunches while he tried not to laugh.

On to the last room downstairs which was his office.  He had already repainted it in a soft shade of gray.  When you walked in the door there was a beautiful desk straight ahead in front of a large window and a pair of leather chairs.  All the room really needed was a gray mini blind for the window.  He told me to go sit at the desk and see if I thought the room felt good.  When I sat down and looked up there were two framed drawings on either side of the door.  It was one of those moments that you know your heart has stopped beating and there is no way you can even breathe.

Although I knew what they were I got up from the desk and walked over to look at them. There were the two Today Show set drawings I had done at Stephens and signed by Hugh Downs when he visited the campus. Barney was smiling and said that this was the first time he had ever rendered me speechless.  He walked up behind me as I still stood there in disbelief and put his arms around me.  His story was that when I called him after I had left Stephens and asked him if he could go get them for me, he did.  When he came to Muskogee both times that summer to see me he just couldn't quite put them in the car to bring to me.  They were the only items he had besides a couple of pictures to remind him of our time together.  So he had them framed and had hung them every place he had lived for the last twelve years.

I turned around to say something with no idea of what to say when he kissed me and said not to say anything but to remember that he had said years ago he would always love me.  Then he added that if I did not dash out the door in the next two minutes little Wally would be crying on the sidewalk in front of the Catholic church with a nun who was ready to give me a lecture.

Well....that was certainly a day to say the least.  I made it to get Wally on time but it was one of those trips through town when you can't remember how you got from point A to point B.  You could probably call that "blind sighted" driving as I certainly was. I got better as soon as I picked up Wally and asked about his day coloring and playing.  It was a good thing he was too little to ask about mine. That would have gone something like "Oh, it was a nice day, Wally.  I met with the love of my life and I am going to decorate his house although I don't know what I am doing. He fixed me a nice lunch and told me he had always loved me. You know - just an ordinary day."

Somehow in the following twenty hours I was going to have to come back down to earth before Mother arrives.  Although I am hoping for a nice visit, a short one, one never knows what to expect from her.

The Picnic

Kansas City was as beautiful in the spring as it was in the fall when all of the leaves turned gorgeous colors and winter with all the snow. One interesting fact about Kansas City that a lot of people do not realize is that there are actually two cities in two states separated by a street named Sate Line Road.  Living on one side of the road makes you a resident of Kansas, the other side puts you in Missouri.

I can remember how pleased I was when Dennis got transferred to Kansas City as there was never a happier person than I to be leaving Dallas, Texas.  It is difficult to explain why with all of the normal horrors of moving, the month living in a motel, the seemingly endless string of disappointments and conflicts why I was always so happy to be there.  Maybe it was gaining a little maturity, the great neighborhood and the friends I made or the surprise opportunities that seemed to come my way.  Maybe Barney was also a reason.

I arrived at the fountain at the Country Club Plaza before he did.  It had been almost a month since our last lunch date and although we had talked on the phone while he was travelling I did miss seeing him.  I heard the familiar "Hey" behind me and he had pulled up alongside the curb in his car and told me to hop in that we were going on a picnic. As we drove to a park I asked him how the seminars and the book were doing. Everything went well but he thought it was too much all at one time.  He was tired and really glad to be home.

When we arrived at the park Barney opened the trunk and to my surprise there was a real picnic basket, a checked table cloth and a blanket.  I didn't know there was a Deli in town that specialized in doing picnic lunches.  What a great idea!  All you had to do was to order them, pick everything up and return it when you were done. Over lunch we laughed and joked about silly things while I was wondering about his comment on the phone pertaining to serious sounding stuff we needed to discuss. The picnic thing was no doubt an opportunity to really talk as we had done in college.

He finally got around to asking me why I had not said anything about my medical school applications and that he knew it was past the time for me to have heard something. Actually I had avoided the subject with everyone as I felt really stupid for even thinking I could be accepted.  I made all sorts of excuses to myself about the application showing I had gone to four colleges, had three different majors, married, two small children and a lot older than other applicants. When he asked me it was like the dam burst and I poured out all the feeling of rejection, all the excuses I made to myself, even Dennis's reaction and a lot of tears.

He took me in his arms and said how sorry he was but that he didn't know me to give up on anything except him twelve years ago.  Also that I should have told him first about the letters before I told anyone else since most people don't get into medical or law school on their first try.
Did the letters say anything about making an appointment with the admissions office to see why you were not accepted?  I said I didn't remember as I could not get past the first paragraph. That got a laugh and the suggestion that I look at them again and call to make an appointment and see what their reasoning was.  Then I needed to give him the application so he could see if we could make it sound better.

While I was basking in the thought that somebody cared and was willing to help me in what I wanted to do Barney came out with the question of "How about lunch at my house next Thursday?".  That was a surprise and my quick answer was that Mother was arriving for a visit, hopefully a short one, on Wednesday. So would Tuesday be okay?  There were a lot of reasons I should have said no, like what about his wife, Lauren, but I said okay.  Perhaps I had a "deer in the headlights" look as he started laughing and said he needed some interior design advice on his house.  Lauren was deep into law books and really had no desire to do anything to the house. We decided 10:30 on Tuesday would be good after I dropped Wally at the church for the day.

Needless to say the next four days were busy ones.  The boys needed haircuts and I needed running shoes before Mother showed up.  Then there was the matter of immaculizing (new word) the house before she arrived and checked all the woodwork for dust. Maybe this trip she would not spend her first day there cleaning the house, making sure all the laundry was done or planning all the meals for however many days she was staying all the while making me feel like a terrible person.  Oh, that meant a trip to the grocery store for healthy food. 

The letters from both medical schools did make reference to calling for an appointment. As much as I dreaded doing it I knew I had to by Tuesday. The thought of Tuesday itself was a little scary in that it is one
thing to decorate your own house but a whole different thing to know what other people like or want.