An Awesome Grandmother

When I married Dennis I acquired a plethora of extended family that was one hundred and eighty degrees opposite from mine.  Both my parents had lots of brothers and sisters living in far off places.  The only relatives I had in Muskogee were my Dad's sister Della and my Uncle Tom. Dad was not too crazy about Della but my Uncle Tom was a big part of my life and probably a pretty good influence growing up. As for Mom's family the only time I saw them were the two summers we went to Wisconsin when I was six and seven years old.  All my grandparents had passed away by the time I knew what grandparents were.

I often thought the the town of Warner, Oklahoma was all related to Dennis. When his family all got together it was really difficult for me and something I never got used to. It was not that I didn't like them, I just had a hard time getting used to so many people in one place at one time.  Then there was the difference in food.  Even though I grew up in Oklahoma I had never heard of having beans and cornbread, poke salad, corn salad, white bread dressing for turkey, fried salt pork, drank iced tea or heard of biscuits and gravy for breakfast. I did learn to love the biscuits and gravy but the rest is still a big yuk.

I did, however, like his parents, Alpha and Allen. They were very down to earth people and always fun to be around. Allen in his overalls was very different from my Dad in his suit, tie and hat. Alpha did not wear designer clothes and was known to leave the house without hair fixed and makeup on like my Mom.  Needless to say after one family gathering of Dennis's family that my parents attended they managed not to ever show up at another one.

There was always a lot of laughter when we were with them. When Alpha came to visit it was always fun as she liked going places, it didn't matter if the house was immaculate or we had other things to do while she was there.  Most important she adored Wes and Wally and was the picture of a wonderful grandmother. Quite different from my Mother.

Alpha arrived on Friday afternoon and I did not ask how long she was staying since most of the time it would be in the neighborhood of two to three weeks. That was fine with me since I had work to do at Barney's, I could take her to the New Neighbors activities and all the neighbors were on alert to include her in any children's adventures while I was off working. I was also very lucky in that Dennis had much better behavior when she was around.

When I arrived at Barney's on Tuesday to start the wallpaper there was no one home.  That was actually a good thing since I could get started and have the time to work without any conversation.  To my surprise the the old wallpaper in the powder room was already stripped.  Someone had been busy over the weekend which made the work in the powder room go really quick. By lunch time I was ready to move to the kitchen.

Just as I got started trying to figure out if the awful angry rooster wallpaper was going to come off easily Barney came home carrying take-out food.  He said he had been trying to call me all morning. I had thought while working that they certainly got a lot of phone calls on what I gathered were two separate phone lines.  I didn't know I should answer phones while I was there which made him laugh and realize that we hadn't talked about that.  So, we worked out a system of rings and hangups on his office phone if he wanted to talk to me.  I could also give that number to my mother-in-law in case she had any problems with the boys. But it was nice that he brought home lunch and I had to tease him about him saying he wasn't going to feed the decorator again after the original price I had quoted him.

After lunch he went off to some appointments and I went back to wallpaper.  It was a really pleasant surprise when the old kitchen paper came off pretty easily and by late afternoon I had the kitchen ready for the next day.  I do have to admit that it was a little nerve wracking to work in someone else's house, especially Barney's.  Besides doing paint and paper in my own home, one friend's where I hung the wallpaper upside down and a couple of new construction houses that no one lived in I had no experience with customer's houses. I probably spent a huge amount of time being incredibly neat and tidy.  Maybe I learned to do a job the way I would want a person to who worked in my home to do.

I went home feeling pretty good about my first day on the job.  The boys had gone swimming with Karen and all the other neighbors.  Alpha had fixed dinner, the house looked decent and everyone was happy.  I breathed a big sigh of relief.  Funny how I had worried all day that there would be some disaster or another.  

I got a phone call later that afternoon from Frances at the Health Department where I had been volunteering for the last three months on Monday nights.  She said she really wanted to talk to me about my job.
Was I being fired from a volunteer position?  Does that ever happen?
We made arrangements for me to go by the office on Thursday afternoon. Maybe disasters happen other places than at home.

A Visit With Mother

If there was anything I Should Have Known in my lifetime journey it was why my relationship with my mother was so difficult. Writing now it is hard to reflect on our relationship back then without slipping in all the things I did learn later.  But that whole story would take another book.  So I will try to stay in that time frame.

We had lived in Kansas City for seven months before Mother finally decided to come for a visit. There always seemed to be some reason for her not to come, she was busy, there was a lot of snow, Ninette was here and so on and so on. I was looking forward to her arrival and dreading it at the same time.  But the house looked perfect, the boys were presentable, lots of food in the cupboard, Kansas City had lots of places for us to see and all the neighbors were anxious to meet her. Before her expected arrival sometime in the early afternoon Wally and I drove the three mile course I had mapped out for the daily run making sure it had the least hills possible which wasn't easy, then baked cookies and an apple pie.  Thank heavens Karen invited us for lunch across the street.  It killed time and Wally could play with Karen's son.

She finally arrived late in the afternoon a little confused.  One has know that my Mother was directionally challenged.  When she married George and moved to Oklahoma City the only way she could find her way home was to be able to see the tall, round Founder's Tower so I was not surprised.  I had sent her a map, a picture of the house, written out where to exit the freeway and what she would pass if she missed any turn.  That must have not been helpful as she had to stop three different times for directions. The last stop was not very far away and a gentleman offered to lead her to the house. At fifty-six years of age, five foot nine and very trim she was very good at getting men to help a damsel in distress.

I took her on a tour of the house which she really liked.  Access to her room was from a catwalk that went across the back of the two story living room which she thought was really neat.  Wes arrived home from school and disappeared on his bike, Karen came over to meet Mom and Dennis arrived home on his best behavior.  We discussed what to do the next day and of course there was the jog at 6:00 am, Wes off to school, Wally to the church at 9:00 and the day was ours to go to the Country Club Plaza to shop and have lunch. I fell into bed thinking all had gone pretty well for day one.

Guess I should say here that to me race horses run, sports people run in games they get paid to run in and regular people only run if they hear a child cry or the house is on fire. At 6:00 am with new running shoes on I felt like I was breaking some rule of nature.  Mother arrived in the kitchen dressed in a very fashionable running outfit, I was in shorts and a yucky sweatshirt, all cheerful and ready to do warm-up exercises. Dennis was not happy he needed to take care of the boys and breakfast.
Upon hitting the street I realized that our entire subdivision was all a series of mountains that only appeared to be little inclines. Even though I actually thought I was going to die at any second when Mother asked me how I was doing I would flash a big smile and say "great"! It was with great relief and a little bit of pride when I ran up our drive way and realized I was still alive.

We drove to the Country Club Plaza on my favorite route through the old, stately neighborhoods of Kansas City while I pointed out all the sights I knew.  Kansas City actually has more fountains that Rome and we made it past most of them.  She loved the Plaza as that was where all the expensive stores were and the great restaurants.  Mother had this passion for shopping and I was usually the target.  I use the term target as she only bought clothes for me that she liked which were 180 degrees from what I liked.  That day I came home with one of those running outfits and an Albert Nipon dress ($300.00) that was red with white polka dots.  Yes, it did look cute on me but I thought I needed a big red nose and huge shoes as I felt like a clown.  Oh well, maybe I could make it into a Halloween costume.  Lunch was at a little Italian place which was awesome.  The evening went well as Mother and I sat out on the deck and carefully avoided Dennis.  So far, so good.

I did better the next day on the run and maybe it was the new running outfit that made me feel like I knew what I was doing.  Mother breezed through the cupboards and planned dinner for the evening and got most of it ready before we ventured off for the day. Since it was a beautiful day and we had Wally I decided we should go to 12th Street and Vine for the Friday brown bag and blues lunch on the street.  We went by a Deli and got sandwiches and drinks, found a place on the steps of a building, had lunch and listened to some great music.  Also on Fridays there was a tour of Hallmark Cards in the Crown Center. I had done the tour with the New Neighbors and it was really fun.  For a dollar Wally could play in the playroom and Mother really enjoyed the tour showing the artists actually creating the cards to the printing and the shipping.  
Crown Center also had lots of nice shops so Mother came home with several items of new clothes for her.

When we got home on Friday from touring around Karen came over and asked how long Mother was staying.  Interesting that I hadn't asked but she said she needed to go home on Sunday.  Karen announced that she and two of the other neighbors were planning a cookout at Gary Krings house if Mother was going to be there Saturday evening. Mother thought that would be fun and said we would come.  Needless to say, Dennis was not happy but he agreed to go just because Gary was the only neighbor he liked.  Pretty cool when the neighbors throw a party for your Mother. That evening we sat on the deck again and she grilled me on what I was going to do about medical school. I explained that I was going to see the admissions people at each school the next week and would apply again. We talked about the health clinic but I did not tell her about wallpapering for Gary Krings or the possibility that I had an interior design job.  Day two down - one to go.

I felt pretty good on the jog on Saturday and did not have to fake the smile.  Wes had a soccer game at 10:00 so that took up the morning.  Dennis was dying to go to a restaurant called Stroud's so we all went there for lunch.  Stroud's was underneath an abandoned railroad trestle in an older part of Kansas City. Usually you had to wait in a line outside but you could get a beer or a glass of wine to enjoy while you waited in line....sometimes for an hour. The decor was leftover from the thirties with tables propped up with plates or ashtrays to make them sit even on the sagging wooden floor. There were mismatched wooden chairs with very faded red and white checked tablecloths.  In the middle of the floor was a full size grand piano that a lady who had to be at least 100 sat at in a faded long black dress and played and sang songs for your entertainment.  The only thing on the menu was fried chicken, chicken gizzards or chicken livers, mashed potatoes and green beans. It was like being taken back on a time machine to some other era but that was the best fried chicken I ever ate. Stroud's was always a unique experience and one of my favorites.

Mother had whipped up a pot of baked beans that she put in the oven before we left for lunch so we took those and a cheese ball I made to the cookout. The small gathering had grown to about fifty people including all the little ones. Everyone had brought food to share and it was all wonderful almost to the point of looking like a contest as to who could cook the best.  My neighbors were all friendly which comes from the fact that we all had moved from someplace else.  Without family all of us transient people sort of hung together.  Mother was very good at meeting new people and by the end of the evening she had many invitations for the next time she was here to go do this or go see that.  
I did take notice that after we ate that Dennis had vanished.  Except for his disappearing act Day Three went very well.

The jog went really well on Sunday and I thought for a moment I could do this everyday......not.  Dennis was barely speaking at breakfast and headed for the garage before Mother left.  I decided to let her follow me to the highway so she didn't get lost again. Needless to say a great sense of relief swept over me as her car disappeared down the road.  I spent four days saying "yes, Mother", "I will Mother" and agreeing with her about things I really did not agree with to keep her happy. I had grown up spending every day trying to please her and that pattern of behavior was not something I knew how to change.  Obviously I carried on with the same behavior with Dennis.

Guess I must have done something wrong while she was there since Dennis didn't speak to me for four days. Actually that was okay as I had a pretty busy week ahead with the two appointments at the medical schools, the health clinic job and decisions on Barney's house.  It also felt very nice to be grown up again instead of Mother's twelve year old daughter.

Time to Settle In

The second lunch with Barney began with both of us thinking the other one would not show up.  Because we did both show up the conversations about catching up on the last eleven and a half years flowed more easily.  

He told me he had sold two houses that week and was writing a book on real estate. I thought that was pretty impressive but I remembered all the papers he had typed in college.  He suggested to me that I never write a book unless he could type it. I was a little surprised at that statement but he explained that the reason he always asked me if I had any papers I needed typed was that I was no doubt the worst speller in the entire world.  He said he could not believe I could write such intelligent essays with perfect sentence structure and flow with so many misspelled words. I had to admit that I knew that and although little Miss Prudie Patillo, my second grade teacher with her sturdy teacher shoes, wispy grey bun at the nape of her neck and flowered silk dresses, had tried to teach me phonics  I was more interested in skinning up my knees playing baseball and ripping the hems out of my dresses to learn how to spell. He took great pride in my having passed my American Authors class because of my perfectly written essays.

Luckily the restaurant was pretty empty by the time I told him I remembered what a great dancer he was.  He said he didn't go dancing much anymore at which point I told him it was too bad he never learned to disco dance. He flashed that smile at me, pushed back his chair and proceeded to do the John Travolta walk from Saturday Night Fever while humming the song.  Back at the table he struck the classic Travolta pose and said "How's that?".  Louie, the maitre d' and the few people left in the restaurant were applauding and I was laughing so hard tears streamed down my face.  Thursdays were turning into my favorite day of the week.

Back to reality on Friday since we were going to go pick up the boys that weekend.  I managed to get their rooms put together so it would feel more like home when they arrived.  Interesting that Levelor Mini Blinds had just come on the market when we built the house.  The Interior Designers that helped our builder with the houses suggested those for the windows.  Pricey as they were then I had ordered them for all the front windows of the house and they came and installed them that day. The wall paper and bedding would have to wait but at least their rooms looked pretty good.

Needless to say the boys were glad to come back.  It took them about fifteen minutes on Sunday afternoon to meet all the other kids on the street of which there were about twenty mostly in the same age range as Wes and Wally.  That was really fun for them as they played outside and rode bikes or were all together at one house or another. After the summer they had it was so great to see two such happy faces all the time.  What was really nice about the neighborhood was that the majority of the women were stay-at-home-moms so there was always someone home to watch over a gang of children.  

The other great thing about the neighborhood was that fences were not allowed. Moving from the Dallas area where the first thing anyone did when moving into a house was to put up a wooden privacy fence made it seem strange not to have one.  It did not take long to enjoy the fact that you could actually see and talk to your neighbors.  Lenexa West, as the subdivision was called, was built on gently rolling hills and all the yards with no fences really created a beautiful landscape. You were allowed to build a small dog run but that was a problem for us as the English Bulldog had difficulty breathing outside in any kind of weather.

Needless to say I was never crazy about the dog.  We had her for three years in the same house and the move was traumatic for her.  She could not make it up and down the stairs and ended up spending most of her time in the basement and was never a dog the boys could play with.  It was also worrisome that she had bitten a child while she was staying in Oklahoma. So we ran an ad in the paper to give her away.  To make a long story short the dog bit a high school boy right in the mouth when he was sitting on the floor with his Dad who was interested in the dog.

It was terrifying as she gave no warning whatsoever.  I got the boy upstairs and tried to stop the bleeding while his Dad called a friend who was a plastic surgeon to meet them at the emergency room. Dennis and Wes were gone somewhere to a race or something and when they arrived home I told him the dog had to go and right now would be fine.
That evening the boy's Dad called me and said everything was fine, not too much damage but needless to say he was not interested in the dog.  I offered to pay the medical bills but he very nicely said not to worry about it that accidents just happened.  The dog was gone in a few days and I didn't care where Dennis took her as I had become afraid of her.  Some would say that someone was watching over us that the man was so nice about his son being bitten but I just chalked it up to how nice all the people were in my new city. Goodbye dog number six.

Wes started school and I found a Catholic Mother's Day Out program for Wally on Tuesdays and Thursdays which gave me time to begin studying for the medical school entrance test I was scheduled to take the end of September. The New Neighbors League lady showed up on my porch one day with a basket of goodies and explained the program to me. In order to join you had to have moved to Kansas City from another town within the last six months. She explained that friends do not just pop up on your porch but you had to go out and find them - the group being a great place to do that.  It sounded like fun but I put off joining for a month as my mind was a little boggled by everything I had to do. Plus I already had a steady stream of new friends in the neighborhood popping up on my porch.

The lunches with Barney continued each week.  It was interesting that we had so much to talk about without hardly ever a mention of our spouses.  One day he asked me just when I had gotten so funny.  Was that funny as in haha or funny as in strange?  He said funny from the aspect that I always made him laugh and feel good about everything.  That was a pretty nice compliment and rather hard to answer.  The best I could come up with was that you could dwell on all the bad things that happen to you in life or you could look hard and find some humor in every situation. Maybe my dear college roomie, Cathie, had taught me how to do that through the years.  Anyway you may not see the humor at the moment something is happening but if you keep looking it is always there.  Mr Eagle Scout was a little perplexed by that thought and said he was going to have to think on that.

Maybe I should have known it was bad luck for him to ask me that question that particular day. Maybe I should not have been so cocky in my flippant answer about there being humor in everything. The following evening Dennis got a call from his sister that I would have great difficulty finding any humor in for months.

Goin' To Kansas City

My recovery from the heart stopping moment after reading the phone book in the motel had to be quick as Dennis and the non-stop talking horrible real estate person showed up.  Since my three day trip to Kansas City was up in the morning there had to be a decision made on a new home before I flew back to Dallas. 

Why I was even in Kansas City looking at houses was the real question.  I wanted the old house with character, flowers and the white picket fence but was told by dear Dennis that when I made as much money as he did then I could pick out the house. So what did it matter what we bought especially on that day. Especially on that afternoon when I could hardly think or remember my own name. We ended up signing papers on a new house in the southern suburb of Lenexa, Kansas.  Actually it was a new house under construction. This would prove to be interesting as it was the end of June and the builder assured us would it be done before school started in September.  I never figured out why Dennis picked Lenexa as the Ford office was forty miles away in Missouri.

It was a pretty sleepless night that night.  I should have been happy we found a house, a pretty cool looking house, if it ever gets completed. I was not thinking about whether we could qualify for the loan of $75,000, the physical move itself or anything else of importance.  I was only wishing one moment I had not come across a name in the phone book I had long tried to put out of my mind and the next moment glad I did. It was logical that I would look for last names of people I knew that might live there but what idiot looks for last names that start with a Z? How many last names are there that even start with the letter Z? But there it was or there his name was in black and white with a phone number. It was Barney, my college love.

It had been twelve years, the day I married Dennis, since I had heard from him. He sent me a telegram that day wishing me happiness and saying that he would always love me.  The telegram was about as heart-stopping as finding out that he was living in Kansas City.  I was furious with him at the time thinking that he sent the telegram to get back at me for marrying Dennis but then I would think that it was really rather sweet of him.  Maybe it would have been better if we had argued, said horrible things to each other instead of just going our separate ways due to family, bad luck or just bad timing. Now what do I do?
How would I feel if I picked up the phone and called him and he said "Donna who"?  

Back in Dallas there was a lot to do in getting ready to move by the end of the summer.  Dennis would call everyday with a list of things for me to take care of - like I needed a list.  Towards the middle of July he decided we should go ahead and move even though the house wasn't done.  Ford would pay for a month's stay at the motel and all of our food.  The couple buying our house was living in an apartment and would be glad to get into the house the first of August. What sounded like a pretty neat idea at the time turned into a nightmare.

The packers from the moving company came one day and packed everything except what I thought the boys and I would need for the next month.  Not having to pack up, rent a truck and move ourselves was different from the seven moves we had made before. This was move number eight in twelve years. The truck came the next day and once it was loaded we packed the car which was a trick since it was the Mustang without a lot of extra room.  Somehow we all got in the car with Boodles, the slobbery English Bulldog, clothes for a month and of course, lots of toys and headed off.  About the time we got to McKinney Wes asked where the cat was. Back to Carrollton to find the cat sitting on the front porch. Second goodbyes to the house and off to Warner to drop the dog and the cat at Dennis's parents house for the duration of the motel stay.

After the first few days at the Holiday Inn I was beginning to see that this was not a real pleasant experience with a four and an eight year old. They would go out and swim for ten minutes and then spend the rest of the day jumping on the beds or fighting.  Going out to eat three meals a day got old pretty fast and I can remember how disappointed they were that no restaurant served peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and tomato soup for lunch.  Anyone remember the motel days before microwaves and little refrigerators?  So I finally resorted to loading them in the car at eight o'clock in the morning for breakfast and then driving around Kansas City until five o'clock in the afternoon when Dennis came back to the motel.

Actually the tours of the area were pretty neat.  There was something about Kansas City that made it fun be to moving there.  Maybe it was all the stories I had heard from Dad and Uncle Tom or maybe just the city itself.  The boys and I did all the museums, the zoo several times, found my grandparents graves in the old cemetery on the Paseo and strolled around The Plaza which was the first suburban shopping center built in the United States.  Kansas City is known as the city of fountains and we saw everyone of them. By the time the house was done I had driven on every street in both Kansas City, Ks. and Kansas City, Mo. and had quickly developed a love for the city and the people.

The house construction surprised me in that it seemed to progress very quickly.  The only problem I can remember was that one day I noticed they had put a sliding glass door in the kitchen.  We had made that one change in the house when we signed the contract.  With children and pets sliding glass doors were at the top of the list of things I hated.  The builder was very nice to work with and in a couple of days the door was gone and replaced by a French door with a window panel on each side.
The house was actually five different levels which I had wondered about in the beginning but as it neared completion I loved it. Going by to check on the house we noticed a lot of children in the neighborhood.
That was something that made both Wes and Wally excited about moving to a new place.

I had written Cathie, my roomie from Stephens, before I left Dallas and told her about finding Barney in the phone book and that I was not sure I should try to contact him.  She picked up the phone the moment she read the letter and asked if I had his number since she wanted to call him to say hi.  No, I did not write his number down at which point she called me a schmuck (one of her favorite words) and how could I be so stupid not to call him. I gave her all my excuses like he would not remember me or be rude or some other bad thing.  When she started calling me "Hansen" and throwing in more "schmucks" at me I knew she was losing patience. She reminded me that it had been over a month since I found his phone number and by now I would have stopped even thinking about calling him if I really didn't want to.  She had a point.

So I looked up his number in the phone book again - it was still there.
I dialed the number thinking I would get an answering machine or maybe a female voice and I would just pretend it was a wrong number and hang up.  That sounded easy enough.   The phone rang and a voice I had not heard in twelve years said hello.  All I said was "hey" and then there was an extremely long silence........