It was difficult to come home from Dad's funeral and get back into the routine of home and work. There had been a whirlwind of activity since I got the call that Dad had passed away, calls that had to be made to cancel appointments and plans, getting the family ready to go and making the trip to Muskogee. As usual we stayed with Dennis's parents where streams of his relatives came by, then there was the argument with my brothers about not wanting to view Dad dead in a box and I can't forget trying to put on the happy face for Wes and Wally as they really did not understand what was going on.
It would take me years to fully realize that the worst parts of the ordeal were my own fault. Somehow everyone around me expected me to make decisions on what clothes they should wear, where and what we should eat, where the car keys were, why didn't I pack this or that and a million other trivia things I was made to feel I was responsible for. There was never time to just be by myself, to spend time with just my brothers or even to cry. It was my fault because I had always tried to keep everyone happy and take care of all their needs. So I stifled the desire to scream and hid my anger.
We arrived home on a Sunday evening after being gone for a week to find a refrigerator full of food and the dining room table covered in flowers. I realized how lucky I was to have wonderful neighbors and friends. There were nice cards in two of the flower arrangements but not one in the third. Two dozen red roses was not hard to figure out who they were from.
Shortly after Dennis left for work and Wes was off to school the next morning the phone rang. I answered it with my "Hey" which got a laugh as I knew it was Barney. It seemed like a year since I had talked to him when actually I did call him before we left for Oklahoma a week before. When he asked if I was okay I surprised myself by not saying that I was fine but told him I really didn't know as it had been a really stressful week without going into a lot of detail. There was no hesitation when he said he would buy my lunch the next day if I would meet him. Of course my answer was yes and it seemed to lighten my mood in that I was able to get through the day with friends dropping by to see how I was doing.
I got to the fountain first and Barney arrived and off we went to a new place he had found. Well, it was a new place but also a place we both knew. The restaurant that we originally met at that had burned a year and a half before had opened in a new location with all of the original staff. Louie was very happy to see us, the gentlemen we had decided were the Kansas City mafia were once again in one corner and it felt like life was once again back to normal.
We had a long talk about Dad and the funeral. Maybe it was easier to poor out my feelings to him than it was to other people, even Dennis or close friends. Told him how bad the week was for me and that I probably would have done better with out the ordeal and all the people being around. Maybe funerals were not really for the living as just about the time you are really ready to accept their passing you have to go through the funeral. I felt like I had to put up some sort of front while I listened to stories from people who really didn't even know him.
To my surprise he agreed with me even though I told him he was just saying that to make me feel better. No, he said, everyone has their own way of mourning a loss and he had been worried about me about how I handle the funeral. He told me to let all the negative feelings of the last week go by the wayside and just remember that I loved my Dad, that he adored me and nothing else mattered. I thanked him for what he had said as it was just what I needed since part of why I felt bad was that I was feeling guilty. Maybe there was something wrong with me that I didn't think he was in "a better place" or that he looked peaceful or nice dead in a box or any of the other catch phrases people use when someones dies.
I don't know if in his own way Barney gave me permission to finally break down and cry over the loss of my Dad or if I could simply no longer keep up the front up of being okay. The rest of the week I finally took the time, ignoring phone calls and friends, to finally mourn the passing of my Dad. Then it was time to get over the sense of loss and count my many blessings.
Winter is my most favorite season since I have always believed a person cannot own enough sweaters or the snow can never be deep enough but Spring was beginning to pop out. It was time to stop ignoring my clients, time to hang out at the soccer fields with Wes, time to try to answer all of Wally grown-up questions and time to enjoy every day.
I arrived home one afternoon after running errands with Wally. Dennis was out of town for a few days and my thoughts were on the joyous fact that I did not have to cook dinner as hot dogs would do fine for the boys. But what was the strange car doing in the drive way and who were the two women sitting on the front porch?
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