Decisions

Northeastern State College

At age nineteen perhaps my decision making processes were not the best they could be. Growing up I think I learned to make decisions creating the least amount of stress not only for me but for others around me. In my home there was never any arguing, parents made the decisions, those were the rules you followed. I never learned how to tell my Mother what I wanted to do when it differed from what she planned for me.

A few days after Barney's last visit she announced that I would not be going back to Stephens.  I did not ask why and she offered no explanation.  She was rather surprised when she asked me what I was going to do and I told her I guessed I would go to Northeastern State College in Tahlequah.  No begging, pleading or crying although I was really devastated.  I knew Dad and Kenny would be happy since I usually was a buffer between Mother and them but I have wondered many times what the outcome would have been if I had argued.

My recall on events for the next six months is pretty limited.  If there was ever a time in my life when I blocked things from my memory because they were too painful to remember this was the time.  Life changing decisions were made that maybe were not the best but ones I dealt with as best I could. Did a lot of "yes, Mother" things to keep the waters calm.

The end of August the guy I had dated some in high school came home for Air Force Reserve camp or something. He had been a student teacher at our high school and we had dated some.  Dennis was six years older than me and was the one who wanted me to marry him instead of going to Stephens - sort of a now or never thing.  I said never but he did write letters to me at Stephens, most of which I did not read and called, most of which I did not answer. When he was home I did go out with him a couple of times mostly to visit his parents and go fishing.  Did I ever say how much I hate fishing?  That ranks right up there with shooting bunnies.

I enrolled in sixteen hours at Northeastern all tucked into 8:00 to 12:00 every day.  Still can't believe that sixteen hours of college plus fees was only $98.00.  Then I got a job as the County Law Librarian for the afternoons in Muskogee.  Somehow I managed to get into what was actually a life threatening, road race carpool to Tahlequah everyday.

The most I remember about Northeastern, besides living through the drive over and back, was the Humanities class where the instructor turned off all the lights in a hot room at 8:00 in the morning to show slides of historical artifacts.  One day he turned on the lights and stated he guessed he could hire out as a cure for insomnia since everyone was asleep.  The drafting instructor hated women and said they had no business in his class.  He really hated me when all my drawings were spot-on perfect.  

The job was a serious joke but I got paid $100.00 a month for sitting at a desk among hundreds of law books.  It was a real treat to come to work and actually have a book on my desk to put back on the shelf.  No one ever came in and I spent my time doing homework or writing letters to Pam at Stephens, Cathie at Texas Tech and Barney.

Barney called almost every Sunday night.  We were both in pretty much impossible situations we did not have any solutions for.  Long distance relationships are difficult at any age plus extenuating circumstances don't make them any easier.  He always got a big laugh from my stories about school, work and the crazy carpool. The honor of being Miss Thunderbird Speedway really got him and I sent him a copy of the newspaper.  Interesting that we fell in love first but during that semester we became great friends as well.

Shortly after Thanksgiving Dennis had called.  Mother asked after I hung up if it was him and I said yes.  She then stated that I should just marry him. Needless to say that one came out of the blue.  In truth I was pretty miserable and fed up with everything.  I could not see a future with Barney and he was going further away in January to Northwestern in Chicago.  I did not have any friends in town, not dating and Mother seemed to get more difficult everyday. So with my faulty decision making process, my inability to say what I really wanted to do and my lack of knowing how to argue I called him up and said "let's get married".

Barney tried to talk me out of it but really understood why I did it.  He continued to call until he left for Chicago.  Did we stop loving each?  No, but I really had the feeling our situation was hopeless and I would never love anyone else the way I loved him.

For Christmas that year I got two presents.  An engagement ring from Dennis and a silver heart for my charm bracelet that was engraved with "Always" from Barney.

Do Things Work Out?

I have always had to laugh when someone says "Things always work out for the best".  Mother's adaptation of that was "Things always work out but not always the way you want them to".  The summer of 1965 she worked very hard to make sure her statement was the correct one as far as I was concerned.

When it finally dawned on me the end of July without an official declaration that I was not going back to Stephens in the fall I took a little trip to Tahlequah on my day off.  Northeastern State College was located there and I filled out an application for the fall semester.  Within the same week I had a letter back granting me acceptance pending their receipt of my high school and college transcripts.  Not really what I wanted to do but if I waited any longer there would be no chance to get into any school.  I had heard the lecture from the time I was in grade school that there was sixteen years of school not twelve.

Barney arrived on the first Sunday in August after his summer school was over.  He was a firm believer in that there were some important things you did not discuss on the phone or in letters.  Since all of our conversations avoided important topics we had lots to talk about. 
Actually that was a pretty good rule especially since those were the days when you paid dearly for long distance calls.

I went first and explained the situation with Mother and the chance I would not get to come back to Columbia in the fall.  Since there was no logical explanation it was hard to figure out a reason so I could only guess.  I did not feel like the expense was logical, maybe my having fun was a problem, she really did not like Cathie and maybe my relationship with him bothered her.  He listened and asked some questions, then it was his turn.

He had been accepted at Northwestern for the MBA program pending him finishing up two classes at Missouri in the fall.  They would accept any graduate classes towards his Maters that he added to his schedule that fall so he would be in Columbia until January.  That was terrific news because that is what he wanted to do all along.  The bad news was about Sarah. When he originally told me about her he also said it was going to be tough to get her to believe their relationship was over.

Barney had never really dated anyone besides Sarah before I came along.  He said that he had not been happy in the relationship with her for a year before we met but just had not broken up with her.  There had been threats of suicide when he finally did.  Three weeks ago she had attempted suicide blaming him for the reason.  Knowing how he was really a "Dudley Doright" type of a person I knew he was having a hard time with it. By this time it was really late and we were both tired.
The best thing to do was to sleep on it and come up with an answer in the morning.  Sounds like a Meatloaf song.

The next morning we drove up to Tenkiller Lake and spent most of the day trying to figure things out. My problems seemed small compared to his.  He offered to pay my tuition for me to go back to Stephens but it was, after all, a girl's school and parents were in charge of their daughters.  That was not going to work at all.  So then he asked me to marry him.

I would have loved to have said yes.  But I was concerned about him.  
How was he going to feel if Sarah did something drastic?  How many 
people had he seen jump into a marriage that didn't last.  Would we begin to hate each other when goals didn't get met and things got tough?  I told him I would always love him and the best thing we should do was to give it some time and things would work out.  He said he did not know how he ever had the courage to slide into the booth the night we met but I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He said he fell in love with me on our first crazy date when we walked all over town and would forever love me.

When he dropped me at home that evening to head back to Missouri it was hard to get out of the car.  There would be phone calls, letters and flowers but I had no idea it would be more than a decade before I would see him again.

Not the Clever's

I have always thought how lucky I have been to have grown up in what is called the Baby Boomer generation.  Other age groups will argue that theirs was better but growing up with the music of the Beatles, Elvis and Chuck Berry gave us music to dance by and dance we did.  Boys learned how to fix up older cars if they could not afford the advent of 
Mustangs or Corvettes and drag racing was in it's infancy. The teen movies like Gidget, the Beach Party shows and others instilled the idea that boy meets girl, trouble happens and a breakup occurs but love prevails in the end.  

There was a great deal of innocence and an optimistic attitude that every thing was going to work out great regardless of what happened. 
I woke up every morning confident that it was going to be a wonderful day.  But life is not the movies and all families were not like Beaver Cleaver's.

After dinner the evening Barney went back to Columbia Mother said she wanted to talk to me.  We sat at the kitchen table in a fashion similar to a scene from Dragnet where the interrogation takes place.  This had happened before so I prepared myself for what was to come. I could have never actually prepared myself for that conversation.

Mother

She wanted to know, of course, what Barney's father did for a living and how a college student drives a new Corvette.  Sorry Mom, I didn't have an answer except that his father had passed away when he was an infant and there was a stepfather he didn't talk about very much. Why would I ask him where he got his money when I had been taught never to ask those questions?  What I did tell her was that he was a good student with a 4.0 average, had been an Eagle Scout (not mentioning that she had wanted Paul to be one) and that he wanted to go to Northwestern and get his MBA.  That should impress any parent, right?

Wrong.  Well, on second thought I guessed she was impressed since her next question was just what did he see in me?  Ever have that sudden feeling you couldn't breathe?  Thoughts raced through my head like, would she like to call him and ask him but I knew better than to go there. I probably mumbled something like I didn't know. Perhaps I shouldn't have been so surprised since as hard as I tried to get good grades and do the right thing nothing I did had ever really pleased her.  
She had never liked anyone I dated before thinking they were not good enough for me and now I am not good enough for Barney.

Somehow the interrogation finally ended with something about she didn't send me to Stephens to date or to have fun.  Then there was something about perhaps running around with rich girls made me think I was something I was not. I didn't cry myself to sleep that night, I just cried all night and thought of all the times I had disappointed her by being a cheerleader, doing plays she never came to and just breathing in general. On the other hand I always did all those things she wanted me to do like running for Miss Muskogee, being trophy girl at the stock car races, not going to slumber parties or doing the things all the other girls got to do.  It was like walking on a tightrope everyday.

The next morning she came in my room at 5:00 AM all cheerful as if there had been no discussion the night before.  It was obvious I had been crying all night since my eyes were almost swollen shut but I put on my happy face and had a cheerful cup of coffee with her, helped Kenny with his papers and acted as normal as possible when I wanted to scream.  I fell back into my normal pattern of behavior with her to try to keep the waters calm.  Somehow I knew my return to Stephens was hanging in the balance as well as my relationship with Barney.

Barney called before I left for work that morning and told me how much fun he had with me in Muskogee and how much he loved and missed me.  I did not tell him anything about the conversation with Mother.  
That was normal behavior for me as I never could admit to anyone that our house was not like the Clever's.  I did call Cathie as she had figured out a lot about my home situation during the time we lived together at Stephens. Talking to Barney and Cathie helped me get through the next couple of weeks.

There were lots of phone calls, cards and letters that summer from not only Barney, Pam and Cathie but from the other girls from Stephens.  Some were spending the summer at beaches somewhere or travelling in Europe.  It was fun to get so much mail and I made sure Mother saw the posts cards from exotic places around the world.  Of course there were times I wished I was someplace else but I was happy for all my friends doing exciting things. There was no discussion about Stephens even though there were letters for my parents from them.  

I spent a lot of time with my little nephew, Don.  He turned three that summer and there was a big family birthday party.  Paul had made him a stock car for him out of a pedal car.  I was always available to baby sit and Don loved to go for ice cream with Aunt Nana.  He got to cruise Muskogee in either my VW or Joan's VW convertible as a trip for ice cream was always a good excuse to run around town at night.

Don, Dad, Me and Little Girl

My neighbor, Tom, and I hung out a lot.  He was extremely funny and could brighten any day.  Tom, Kenny and I somehow managed to get tickets to go see Herman and the Hermits in Tulsa. I had to laugh as they sang "Mrs. Brown You've Got A Lovely Daughter" because when that song came out Barney changed all the words and sang it like he was singing to my Mother.  Wonder what she would have thought about that one?

I managed to keep the waters between Mother and I calm until I told her Barney was coming back the first week in August.  That was when she announced that she and Dad were not sure they could afford to send me back to Stephens.  Okay - for one thing, Dad did not agree to that but he would not disagree with Mother.  Secondly, with a scholarship and a grant tuition, room and board for both semesters was half paid for.  In my typical fashion I did not remind Mother that it was her idea in the first place to go to Stephens.  The sad part was that no one argued with Mother except Paul.  I guess Dad, Kenny and I watched some of the consequences of arguing between them and knew it was fruitless to try to get your point of view across.

Barney was to arrive the following Sunday and I had no idea how the visit would go.

A Visitor

In the middle of June the grades arrived from Stephens for the second semester.  I was really surprised that I ended up with a 3.7 average considering the first semester the average was barely a 3.0.  A letter also arrived from Mr. Wheeler, my advisor and TV, Radio and Film professor telling my parents how well I did, what he recommended I enroll in for the next year and also how I had been elected Producer of our Montage television show, President of my sorority and Senior rep for the dorm I was to live in. The grade point average did not seem to impress Mother and her question was how I expected to do all the extra stuff and get good grades. Not one of my better days.

Needless to say I was just a little terrified to tell Mother that Barney was coming to Muskogee. The 4th of July fell on a Sunday so Barney decided to drive down that day and return to Columbia on Monday. I waited until a day or two before to break the news to Mother and all I got was a disapproving look and silence for the next two days.Would have been nice if she had asked about him.  She could have asked her favorite question "What does his Father do for a living?".  But no, just not talking to me.

I started watching for Barney to come up the drive to the Club way too early in the day.  That only made the day seem longer. I was watching for the blue Bonneville but never saw it.  While trying to keep two boys from drowning each other I heard the familiar "hey" behind me. After a few kisses we sat on the bench holding hands while the children wanted to know if he was my husband, boyfriend, where did he live and on and on while they dripped all over him.  Bob came out of the clubhouse to meet him and said since we were not that busy to close the pool at 6:00 and go have some fun. 

As we walked to the parking lot I asked where his car was.  He said it was parked next to my VW.  No Bonneville but there was a new blue Corvette convertible. He followed me home as I worried about the reaction he would receive when we got there.  Luckily Mother was in one of her "flirty" moods so between his dashing good looks, very polite manners and the blue Corvette she was at the top of her game. After all the introductions and a visit to our backyard hot rod shop to meet Kenny I went to change clothes.  Mother took him on a tour of the house and her Japanese garden.  By the time I was dressed Barney had taken her for a ride in his car.  He invited the whole family to dinner but they declined and we dashed out the door.

The dinner requirement was fulfilled at Russ's Drive-In.  It was one of the local stops on the dragging main tour even if you weren't going to eat.  The Corvette caused a lot of attention with Missouri plates and me, the local girl.  Everyone stopped to say hi and to check him out.  I looked like I had a lot of friends that night.  One guy actually challenged him to a drag race not realizing he was not the drag racing kind.  Barney finally asked if there was someplace to go watch fireworks and maybe to be alone.  I had the perfect place in mind - or just thought I did.

A short drive from Russ's is Honor Heights Park.  Since it was getting dark we made a quick tour of the park and then parked between the VA Hospital and the Reservior which was the highest point in town.  From there you can see all of Muskogee.  Must have had a brain fade and forgot that cruising through the park was part of the evening routine and it looked like a parade.  Of, course everyone who had seen us at Russ's drove by, honked and waved.  But we watched the fireworks and talked about families, friends and everything else in the world until midnight. The one thing we did not talk about was Sarah.  Even though Barney and I could talk about everything and tell each other things we usually did not express, Sarah was the one thing I did not want to talk about.

The next morning Mother woke me up at 5:00 AM dust mopping under my bed.  I got up and had coffee with her.  She asked me what I had planned for the day and I told her I was meeting Barney for breakfast before he left.  She asked where he was staying and I played stupidity and just told her some motel. As soon as she left for work I dashed out the door and headed to Barney's motel.  He had decided after he took me home the night before that my family only liked him because of his car.  I told him that might be true but I would still love him if he drove a 1958 faded four door Nash Rambler. That got him laughing.

Barney had not said anything the night before about his high school football letter tacked up over my bed but mentioned that it looked like I slept with him every night - well, sort of.  But I did tell him his letter had replaced a picture of Paul McCartney so he should feel really special.  He had sent in his application for the MBA program at Northwestern in Chicago and hoped to go for the spring semester next year.  If all went well with summer school he would graduate at Christmas.  I had to be proud for him since he made his goal of graduating from college in three years but it was hard to imagine him not being in Columbia. Chicago was a many miles away.

Chet's Hot Dog stand was lunch as no respectable Central High person can miss a trip there when back in town.  He ate FOUR!  I think he would have eaten more but he kept getting into conversations with everyone who walked in the door. (One of the things I adored about him.)  Then it was off to say his goodbyes to my parents.  Saw Mother at the newspaper and she was still all "flirty".  Then to see Dad at the Drugery and he was happy to see that Barney had done well with Mother. A quick trip through Honor Heights Park in the daylight, a cruise by dear old Central High and whatever other sights we passed in our tour.  Then it was back to pick up my car and say goodbye.  He promised to come back in four weeks when summer school was over but I missed him the moment he drove away.

The Mother Quiz came that evening. Boy! Was it a doozie.

Home for the Summer

Dad and I left Columbia mid-morning on Friday for the drive back to Muskogee for the summer.  Driving through Missouri, even on the interstate, is a beautiful drive.  Since Dad was not much of a talker we sped along in his 1960 Studebaker Golden Hawk with not much conversation.  The further we got away from Columbia the more I already wished I was back there. The positive thoughts about going home for the summer and how fast the summer would pass were quickly fading.

During that drive there were a lot of questions I could have asked my Dad.  Being at school and hearing other girls tell about their families and hearing bits and pieces of their conversations with their parents on the phone I had begun to realize that I actually knew very little about my parents.  Growing up I was told by my Mother that all families had their disagreements and I guess I figured all families had their little secrets. Somehow I got the impression that other families had a lot more fun and a lot more conversation than mine. Never did ask why Dad came to pick me up instead of Mother or both of them.  

Mother was pleasant when we arrived and I snapped into my best smiling behavior. If it was hard for me to not "rock the boat" for a week during spring vacation three months were going to be very difficult.  At least I had a job six days a week and brother Kenny to help me out.  On Sunday Kenny drove me out to Meadowbrook Country Club to see Bob, my boss.  He was happy to see me and I was to start as the lifeguard on Tuesday.

There was just on slight problem with the job.  My hours were to be from 10:00 to 12:00 and from 1:00 to 7:00 Tuesday through Sunday. Sunday evening I brought up the subject of how was I going to get to and from work since Mother sold my beautiful faded red 1954 Chevy convertible when I left for college.  Mom, Dad and Kenneth all had to be at work at 8:00.  Sounded like a problem to me.  Ahh, but Mother had the answer.  She would drop me at the club on her way to work a little before 8:00 and someone would come pick me up at 7:00.  Wow, that was going to be fun. I smiled and agreed to the plan thinking what in the world was I going to do for two hours before I was actually supposed to be at work?

The first week went reasonably well. I got my usual severe burn which required me to only wear bathing suits at all times and sleep sitting on the living room floor with my head on a pillow on the coffee table.  Once several layers of skin burned off I had my California Beach tan and all was fine. One day it rained and I got to sit in the clubhouse and play cards all day with Bob. Then one night everyone forgot to pick me up and I waited until 7:45 to call home.  Slowly the conversation got around to me needing a car since I was so much trouble.

My salvation was that Barney called once a week and sent me a dozen red roses for my birthday.  He had signed up for nine hours in summer school which was a lot for the classes and homework he had to do.  
Even with all the studying he wrote letters and sent cards and I did the same. 

Mother was a little miffed about the flowers and I told her they were from a friend but I was sure she had read the card before I got home.  
It was interesting that she never asked about him and I did not offer any explanation. There was just no way I could tell her about him or how much I loved him.  That was simply not something she would have understood since she had never liked anyone I had ever dated.


Dad I and went car shopping and I ended up with a new 1965 green Volkswagon.  Amazing that the car payments were only $52.00 a month with Dad co-signing the note. At least I had transportation to get to work at the correct time and home.  The one thing I discovered was that there really wasn't time to run around town and that I really didn't have any friends to hang out with.  In the course of the time I was at Stephens I had completely lost touch with all my high school friends.

My neighbor, Tom, who was a year younger than me started coming out to the pool in the afternoons which was fun. There was a small grocery store in Muskogee called The Palace that would not sell cigarettes to minors but they certainly would sell beer to them.  Tom would go to the Palace and buy a couple of bottles of beer, then go to the A&W Root Beer stand and buy cones of root beer, pour it out and fill them with beer.  It was probably pretty terrible for the only lifeguard on duty to sit in front of the kids and drink "root beer" but it was rather fun and no one ever drowned.

Seems like I remember Mother totally hating all the time I spent at the stock car races the summer before.  Interesting that Bob came out to the pool one Friday morning and said I had a phone call.  He watched the kids and I answered the call from Mother.  She said that they needed a Trophy Girl for the races that night and she volunteered me.
Nice when your Mother works for the newspaper that owned the radio station that broadcast the races and found Trophy Girls.  She told me I needed to go to Mr. Darrel's Beauty Shop at 7:00 to get my hair done and be at the races by 8:30. This was not exactly on my list of things to do for the evening but I knew better than to decline the order. What girl would turn down something like that plus getting her hair done for free?


Some how I managed to survive the month of June without causing too much family turmoil.  Barney called and said he was coming to Muskogee between summer school semesters.  I was overjoyed to be able to see him but at the same worried about Mother's reaction.