Do Things Work Out?

I have always had to laugh when someone says "Things always work out for the best".  Mother's adaptation of that was "Things always work out but not always the way you want them to".  The summer of 1965 she worked very hard to make sure her statement was the correct one as far as I was concerned.

When it finally dawned on me the end of July without an official declaration that I was not going back to Stephens in the fall I took a little trip to Tahlequah on my day off.  Northeastern State College was located there and I filled out an application for the fall semester.  Within the same week I had a letter back granting me acceptance pending their receipt of my high school and college transcripts.  Not really what I wanted to do but if I waited any longer there would be no chance to get into any school.  I had heard the lecture from the time I was in grade school that there was sixteen years of school not twelve.

Barney arrived on the first Sunday in August after his summer school was over.  He was a firm believer in that there were some important things you did not discuss on the phone or in letters.  Since all of our conversations avoided important topics we had lots to talk about. 
Actually that was a pretty good rule especially since those were the days when you paid dearly for long distance calls.

I went first and explained the situation with Mother and the chance I would not get to come back to Columbia in the fall.  Since there was no logical explanation it was hard to figure out a reason so I could only guess.  I did not feel like the expense was logical, maybe my having fun was a problem, she really did not like Cathie and maybe my relationship with him bothered her.  He listened and asked some questions, then it was his turn.

He had been accepted at Northwestern for the MBA program pending him finishing up two classes at Missouri in the fall.  They would accept any graduate classes towards his Maters that he added to his schedule that fall so he would be in Columbia until January.  That was terrific news because that is what he wanted to do all along.  The bad news was about Sarah. When he originally told me about her he also said it was going to be tough to get her to believe their relationship was over.

Barney had never really dated anyone besides Sarah before I came along.  He said that he had not been happy in the relationship with her for a year before we met but just had not broken up with her.  There had been threats of suicide when he finally did.  Three weeks ago she had attempted suicide blaming him for the reason.  Knowing how he was really a "Dudley Doright" type of a person I knew he was having a hard time with it. By this time it was really late and we were both tired.
The best thing to do was to sleep on it and come up with an answer in the morning.  Sounds like a Meatloaf song.

The next morning we drove up to Tenkiller Lake and spent most of the day trying to figure things out. My problems seemed small compared to his.  He offered to pay my tuition for me to go back to Stephens but it was, after all, a girl's school and parents were in charge of their daughters.  That was not going to work at all.  So then he asked me to marry him.

I would have loved to have said yes.  But I was concerned about him.  
How was he going to feel if Sarah did something drastic?  How many 
people had he seen jump into a marriage that didn't last.  Would we begin to hate each other when goals didn't get met and things got tough?  I told him I would always love him and the best thing we should do was to give it some time and things would work out.  He said he did not know how he ever had the courage to slide into the booth the night we met but I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He said he fell in love with me on our first crazy date when we walked all over town and would forever love me.

When he dropped me at home that evening to head back to Missouri it was hard to get out of the car.  There would be phone calls, letters and flowers but I had no idea it would be more than a decade before I would see him again.

A Visitor

In the middle of June the grades arrived from Stephens for the second semester.  I was really surprised that I ended up with a 3.7 average considering the first semester the average was barely a 3.0.  A letter also arrived from Mr. Wheeler, my advisor and TV, Radio and Film professor telling my parents how well I did, what he recommended I enroll in for the next year and also how I had been elected Producer of our Montage television show, President of my sorority and Senior rep for the dorm I was to live in. The grade point average did not seem to impress Mother and her question was how I expected to do all the extra stuff and get good grades. Not one of my better days.

Needless to say I was just a little terrified to tell Mother that Barney was coming to Muskogee. The 4th of July fell on a Sunday so Barney decided to drive down that day and return to Columbia on Monday. I waited until a day or two before to break the news to Mother and all I got was a disapproving look and silence for the next two days.Would have been nice if she had asked about him.  She could have asked her favorite question "What does his Father do for a living?".  But no, just not talking to me.

I started watching for Barney to come up the drive to the Club way too early in the day.  That only made the day seem longer. I was watching for the blue Bonneville but never saw it.  While trying to keep two boys from drowning each other I heard the familiar "hey" behind me. After a few kisses we sat on the bench holding hands while the children wanted to know if he was my husband, boyfriend, where did he live and on and on while they dripped all over him.  Bob came out of the clubhouse to meet him and said since we were not that busy to close the pool at 6:00 and go have some fun. 

As we walked to the parking lot I asked where his car was.  He said it was parked next to my VW.  No Bonneville but there was a new blue Corvette convertible. He followed me home as I worried about the reaction he would receive when we got there.  Luckily Mother was in one of her "flirty" moods so between his dashing good looks, very polite manners and the blue Corvette she was at the top of her game. After all the introductions and a visit to our backyard hot rod shop to meet Kenny I went to change clothes.  Mother took him on a tour of the house and her Japanese garden.  By the time I was dressed Barney had taken her for a ride in his car.  He invited the whole family to dinner but they declined and we dashed out the door.

The dinner requirement was fulfilled at Russ's Drive-In.  It was one of the local stops on the dragging main tour even if you weren't going to eat.  The Corvette caused a lot of attention with Missouri plates and me, the local girl.  Everyone stopped to say hi and to check him out.  I looked like I had a lot of friends that night.  One guy actually challenged him to a drag race not realizing he was not the drag racing kind.  Barney finally asked if there was someplace to go watch fireworks and maybe to be alone.  I had the perfect place in mind - or just thought I did.

A short drive from Russ's is Honor Heights Park.  Since it was getting dark we made a quick tour of the park and then parked between the VA Hospital and the Reservior which was the highest point in town.  From there you can see all of Muskogee.  Must have had a brain fade and forgot that cruising through the park was part of the evening routine and it looked like a parade.  Of, course everyone who had seen us at Russ's drove by, honked and waved.  But we watched the fireworks and talked about families, friends and everything else in the world until midnight. The one thing we did not talk about was Sarah.  Even though Barney and I could talk about everything and tell each other things we usually did not express, Sarah was the one thing I did not want to talk about.

The next morning Mother woke me up at 5:00 AM dust mopping under my bed.  I got up and had coffee with her.  She asked me what I had planned for the day and I told her I was meeting Barney for breakfast before he left.  She asked where he was staying and I played stupidity and just told her some motel. As soon as she left for work I dashed out the door and headed to Barney's motel.  He had decided after he took me home the night before that my family only liked him because of his car.  I told him that might be true but I would still love him if he drove a 1958 faded four door Nash Rambler. That got him laughing.

Barney had not said anything the night before about his high school football letter tacked up over my bed but mentioned that it looked like I slept with him every night - well, sort of.  But I did tell him his letter had replaced a picture of Paul McCartney so he should feel really special.  He had sent in his application for the MBA program at Northwestern in Chicago and hoped to go for the spring semester next year.  If all went well with summer school he would graduate at Christmas.  I had to be proud for him since he made his goal of graduating from college in three years but it was hard to imagine him not being in Columbia. Chicago was a many miles away.

Chet's Hot Dog stand was lunch as no respectable Central High person can miss a trip there when back in town.  He ate FOUR!  I think he would have eaten more but he kept getting into conversations with everyone who walked in the door. (One of the things I adored about him.)  Then it was off to say his goodbyes to my parents.  Saw Mother at the newspaper and she was still all "flirty".  Then to see Dad at the Drugery and he was happy to see that Barney had done well with Mother. A quick trip through Honor Heights Park in the daylight, a cruise by dear old Central High and whatever other sights we passed in our tour.  Then it was back to pick up my car and say goodbye.  He promised to come back in four weeks when summer school was over but I missed him the moment he drove away.

The Mother Quiz came that evening. Boy! Was it a doozie.

Home for the Summer

Dad and I left Columbia mid-morning on Friday for the drive back to Muskogee for the summer.  Driving through Missouri, even on the interstate, is a beautiful drive.  Since Dad was not much of a talker we sped along in his 1960 Studebaker Golden Hawk with not much conversation.  The further we got away from Columbia the more I already wished I was back there. The positive thoughts about going home for the summer and how fast the summer would pass were quickly fading.

During that drive there were a lot of questions I could have asked my Dad.  Being at school and hearing other girls tell about their families and hearing bits and pieces of their conversations with their parents on the phone I had begun to realize that I actually knew very little about my parents.  Growing up I was told by my Mother that all families had their disagreements and I guess I figured all families had their little secrets. Somehow I got the impression that other families had a lot more fun and a lot more conversation than mine. Never did ask why Dad came to pick me up instead of Mother or both of them.  

Mother was pleasant when we arrived and I snapped into my best smiling behavior. If it was hard for me to not "rock the boat" for a week during spring vacation three months were going to be very difficult.  At least I had a job six days a week and brother Kenny to help me out.  On Sunday Kenny drove me out to Meadowbrook Country Club to see Bob, my boss.  He was happy to see me and I was to start as the lifeguard on Tuesday.

There was just on slight problem with the job.  My hours were to be from 10:00 to 12:00 and from 1:00 to 7:00 Tuesday through Sunday. Sunday evening I brought up the subject of how was I going to get to and from work since Mother sold my beautiful faded red 1954 Chevy convertible when I left for college.  Mom, Dad and Kenneth all had to be at work at 8:00.  Sounded like a problem to me.  Ahh, but Mother had the answer.  She would drop me at the club on her way to work a little before 8:00 and someone would come pick me up at 7:00.  Wow, that was going to be fun. I smiled and agreed to the plan thinking what in the world was I going to do for two hours before I was actually supposed to be at work?

The first week went reasonably well. I got my usual severe burn which required me to only wear bathing suits at all times and sleep sitting on the living room floor with my head on a pillow on the coffee table.  Once several layers of skin burned off I had my California Beach tan and all was fine. One day it rained and I got to sit in the clubhouse and play cards all day with Bob. Then one night everyone forgot to pick me up and I waited until 7:45 to call home.  Slowly the conversation got around to me needing a car since I was so much trouble.

My salvation was that Barney called once a week and sent me a dozen red roses for my birthday.  He had signed up for nine hours in summer school which was a lot for the classes and homework he had to do.  
Even with all the studying he wrote letters and sent cards and I did the same. 

Mother was a little miffed about the flowers and I told her they were from a friend but I was sure she had read the card before I got home.  
It was interesting that she never asked about him and I did not offer any explanation. There was just no way I could tell her about him or how much I loved him.  That was simply not something she would have understood since she had never liked anyone I had ever dated.


Dad I and went car shopping and I ended up with a new 1965 green Volkswagon.  Amazing that the car payments were only $52.00 a month with Dad co-signing the note. At least I had transportation to get to work at the correct time and home.  The one thing I discovered was that there really wasn't time to run around town and that I really didn't have any friends to hang out with.  In the course of the time I was at Stephens I had completely lost touch with all my high school friends.

My neighbor, Tom, who was a year younger than me started coming out to the pool in the afternoons which was fun. There was a small grocery store in Muskogee called The Palace that would not sell cigarettes to minors but they certainly would sell beer to them.  Tom would go to the Palace and buy a couple of bottles of beer, then go to the A&W Root Beer stand and buy cones of root beer, pour it out and fill them with beer.  It was probably pretty terrible for the only lifeguard on duty to sit in front of the kids and drink "root beer" but it was rather fun and no one ever drowned.

Seems like I remember Mother totally hating all the time I spent at the stock car races the summer before.  Interesting that Bob came out to the pool one Friday morning and said I had a phone call.  He watched the kids and I answered the call from Mother.  She said that they needed a Trophy Girl for the races that night and she volunteered me.
Nice when your Mother works for the newspaper that owned the radio station that broadcast the races and found Trophy Girls.  She told me I needed to go to Mr. Darrel's Beauty Shop at 7:00 to get my hair done and be at the races by 8:30. This was not exactly on my list of things to do for the evening but I knew better than to decline the order. What girl would turn down something like that plus getting her hair done for free?


Some how I managed to survive the month of June without causing too much family turmoil.  Barney called and said he was coming to Muskogee between summer school semesters.  I was overjoyed to be able to see him but at the same worried about Mother's reaction.

The End of the Semester

The last three weeks at Stephens were busy trying to catch up on all the classroom assignments and finals.  Trucks and boxes lined the halls of the dorms so everything could be packed and shipped as most of the girls would be flying home. It seemed like there were more instructions than one had time to read.  Lucky me didn't have to worry about packing too much as Dad was coming to pick me up and the only worry was that he could find his way to Columbia.

The University of Missouri had it's last big fling the second weekend of May.  It was a huge street dance with a couple of bands and everyone from the whole area, students or not, always attended. Barney picked me up about 6:00 so we could find a place to park in close proximity. He had a picnic dinner and a 24 can case of pony cans of Colt 45 Malt Liquor to pass out to friends who wanted some.  

Now I have to say here that I was not much of a drinker and neither was Barney. For one reason any drinking could get girls sent home from Stephens if they got caught and those were the days when "nice" girls did not drink. I was also one of those who got very sick after two or three glasses of wine which was not a pretty sight.  But...there was something about the Colt 45 that tasted pretty good.

I woke up about 6:00 the next morning feeling fantastic.  As I thought about all the fun I had it suddenly dawned on me that I did not remember anything beyond about 10:00 and we did not have to be in that night until 1:00.  Ever have one of those moments of sheer terror?
As hard as I tried there was no way anything came to mind until I did remember laying on the floor of my room and everyone laughing at me.
The panic was setting in so I called Barney and woke him up with the question of what did I do last night?

He started laughing and asked what I remembered. When I told him nothing past 10:00 he told me he never heard so many jokes from someone in his life.  Me?  I never tell jokes because I don't remembered them. Guess I did that night and then he said he never saw a funnier drunk that I had danced my feet off but the funniest was when I managed to sing with his friend's band. He wondered how I managed to sing all the words to the song as much beer I had to drink.  How much I did drink came pretty close to all but one can in the case.

He asked how I did signing in at the dorm?   Cathie and some other girls were at the dance and did work for an hour to try to sober me up. Barney and I sat on the bench outside the dorm waiting for Cathie to come up to escort me in. Cathie filled in the rest of the story.  She said I managed to get in the dorm and she pulled out my card from the box for me so I could sign in.  Mrs. Wells was standing right there as she usually did and noticed I signed in upside down. Cathie said I told her I had lost my glasses and couldn't see a thing. Mrs. Wells expressed her concern about my lost glasses I am sure she never saw me wear.  How I managed to not get caught drinking that night I will never know.

All my finals went very well thanks to Barney.  It was easy to study together since he was Mr 4.0.  Hours could go by and we didn't say a word to each other which was much better than trying to study with Cathie, Sally or Erin.  They managed to create endless laughter all the time.  Somehow Cathie and I both made A's in boating since we were the best at righting the boats and getting back in no doubt due to all the practice Cathie created for us.

Dad did manage to arrive in Columbia without much trouble.  Maybe he just drove thru the same town three times in a row when Mother was in the car with him.  He, Barney and I went out for dinner the last night to the nicest restaurant in town. Dad and Barney got along very well and I was beginning to learn that my Dad was a lot different when Mother was not around. 

Back at the dorm there was one last thing to do before I went home.  There was this ceremony that took place after everyone was in the dorm for the night.  If any girl got dropped (a fraternity necklace), pinned with a fraternity pin or engaged (a ring)  everyone stood in a circle and passed a candle around until the lucky girl blew it out.  The candle would go around once for dropped, twice for pinned and three times for engaged before it was blown out.  Most of us hated the whole ordeal.

The very last night on campus I borrowed a diamond ring from one of the girls and told Mrs. Wells that Barney and I were engaged. I don't know how the ten or twelve girls who knew this was a joke kept from cracking up. It was hard for me to keep a straight face as the candle went around three times. When I blew it out everyone screamed and hugged and all that dumb stuff while the ones in on the secret got a huge laugh. Luckily Barney was in on the joke because when he arrived the next morning to help me move out of the dorm Mrs. Wells could not congratulate him enough.

The next morning the halls of the dorm were filled with girls running around saying bye to each other and getting ready to fly home or waiting for parents to pick them up.  Barney arrived early and by the time Dad arrived we had most of my belongings down all four flights of stairs.  When we had a few minutes together Barney said he thought about buying me a present but could not think of something really special to get.  He handed me his high school letter he had received playing football and said he would love me as long as I kept it. There could not have been a special gift and one that I still have today.

Leaving Stephens for the summer did not seem to be all that sad as everyone was returning in the fall and the "Big Eight" as we called ourselves would all be back together.  Barney was going to summer school and promised to write, call and come visit.  Three months were going to fly by.

Little did I know that I was heading home for the worst summer of my life.

Fun Before Finals

                                                                    The Party
                                                   
The first weekend in May at Stephens was called Red Carpet Weekend. They had Parent's Weekend and Boyfriend's Weekend in the fall and this was the last big weekend of events before the final three weeks of school. Where the name Red Carpet came from I never knew but it was fun. The whole weekend was going to be a nice diversion from the thought that my deposit was due on Monday for my room the following year.  Naturally I had heard nothing from my parents.

Friday night the music and drama department did an outstanding production of My Fair Lady.  Musicals had always been my favorite and it was not difficult to talk Barney into going.  I was sitting there enjoying the play when during the song  "I've Grown Accustomed To Her Face" Barney handed me a folded up piece of paper. I unfolded it and it was a check from him made out to Stephens in the amount of the room deposit.  I must have said "What" rather loudly as several people stared at us.  Barney just smiled, told me to be quiet and watch the play. Leave it up to him to hand the check to me during a pretty cool song.

After the play Barney told me that I should check with the Financial Office on Monday and if they had not received the deposit from my parents to give them the check.  If my parents did send the money to just tear the check up.  When I asked him why he just smiled and said why not?  My brilliant response was "Why?" He asked if I wanted to come back the next year?  I told him boy friends didn't do things like that and he just replied "This one does".  He could render me speechless very easily which was rather hard to do most of the time.

                                                                    Cathie

Saturday was an open house in the dorm which meant boyfriends could come in and see more than just the lobby.  The night before Cathie had gotten "pinned" by her guy, Marty, so written in lipstick on the mirror was her big announcement.  That is the cutest picture I have of dear Cathie in her usual dorm attire. She was so excited that she actually helped clean up the room before Marty and Barney arrived. She did, by the way, put on some clothes.

After the open house there was a picnic at the lake for the whole school and friends.  That evening there was a dance with music provided by Woody Herman and His Orchestra.  One always had to remember that Stephens not only wanted to educate girls but to teach them to be ladies at the same time.  A rock and roll band would not have been on  their radar at that time.  Dancing the evening away to Woody Herman all dressed up was really more fun than one might have thought especially when it was obvious to everyone that my date was quite the ballroom dancer.

My dear Mother called on Sunday afternoon to announce that they had sent a check in for my room deposit.  Nothing like making me sick with worry before she agreed to it.  She had actually called my advisor and Mrs. Wells, the dorm mother, to see how I was doing in classes and behaving otherwise.  At least she had talked to the right people.  Mr Wheeler, my advisor, told her I was an excellent student and only missed one day of classes all year. Mrs. Wells thought I could do no wrong and informed her that she had been pleased to hear I was rooming with Pam the following year. Thankfully Mrs. Wells had not said anything about the nice young man I was dating or that would have been the end of it.  It is interesting how you can feel grown up one minute and be reduced to feeling like you are twelve years old the next.

The other big event of the week on the calendar for the eight of us at the end of the hall was Woody's Birthday.  Poor shy Woody had put up with her room mate teasing her endlessly all year, had managed to stay true to her BBH as we called the boy back home and actually it never seemed like she was having fun. Who knows who got the idea for the surprise birthday party but it was something Cathie and Woody's room mate, Sally, would have thought of. Barney agreed to host the party at his place.

Barney and I went out and got everything to bake a cake and Cathie and I baked it in the kitchen of the dorm.  After dinner in the dining hall where everyone sang to Woody we blindfolded her and Barney put her in the trunk of his car.  The rest of us piled into his car and went off to his trailer for the party.  I don't know if Woody cried because she was so happy and surprised at the birthday or just thankful to be out of the trunk.  Everyone enjoyed cake and ice cream and the several bottles of wine.

Woody and Paula

 There were only three weeks of college left.  The school events and meetings slowed down while the amount of study time increased.  
While everyone else was looking forward to the summer break I was trying not to think about it. I could only hope that the days would pass quickly and everyone would keep in touch over the summer like they said they would.  

But a lot can happen in those final three weeks of school.

Sometimes Things Do Work Out

It was an extremely long Saturday the day Barney drove to St. Louis to talk to Sarah.  Having classes all morning kept half of my mind occupied, there was always homework to do and staying surrounded by all my friends all helped.  Receiving flowers from Barney with a card with the word "love" written on it got me through some really anxious moments.

Perhaps the worst part was the empathy I felt for both Barney and Sarah.  How do you tell someone you have been in a long term relationship with that all of a sudden you don't love them anymore?  Do you tell them someone else came along who you now love more than them?  Do you throw up a list of every negative thing that you feel has occurred in the relationship? Or how do you feel when you hear those words?  The old saying "Sticks and stones can hurt my bones but words can never harm me" is totally backwards and stupid.  You can heal from wounds inflected by sticks and stones.  Words never go away they just float through your mind forever. 

Sunday morning the phone in the hall rang at 9:00 AM and I was the closest one to it that was awake, as I had been most of the night, to answer it.  I was a little surprised but very happy to hear the familiar "Hey".  I asked him if he was alright and he said yes and that he had gotten back to Columbia about 8:00 the night before but just needed some time alone.  He asked if I had homework to do like he did and it would be more fun if we did it together.  I, of course had lots to do, so I jumped at the chance to be with him.  He said he would pick me up at 11:00, we'd have lunch and then study away the afternoon. 

It seemed like Sunday mornings were the times when Mother always picked to call me. Thank heavens it did not happen too often as most of the calls were not very positive. Real nice of her to pick this Sunday morning to call with the worst of the worst ones. She said they had received a letter from Stephens to let them know it was necessary for the school to know who was returning for the next year and that I had filled out forms indicating I would be returning.  Although she acted like it was a huge surprise I had talked with her during the spring break about coming back the next year and how Pam and I were planning on rooming together. At that time she was all pleased about it but now she was not sure they wanted to send in the deposit to hold my place.  The deposit needed to be sent by the first of May which was two weeks away and we ended the phone call with her perhaps still thinking about it.  Why did she do this to me on this day of all days?  The only thing I could do was to hide my anger, disappointment and a few tears and go on.

It was a very happy sight to see Barney in the lobby visiting with his biggest fan, Mrs. Wells.  She was very pleased to see me with an arm load of books  and wished us both happy studies as we went out the door. We went off to a little restaurant and ended up with a late breakfast instead of lunch.  I chatted away, told him I loved the flowers and remembered to wish him a happy Easter.  About halfway through breakfast he looked at me rather strangely and asked why I hadn't said anything about his trip to St Louis.  I told him I did not think it would be nice or fair of me to quiz him on their conversation.  That I knew it was a difficult thing for him to do and even a harder thing for Sarah to hear and that it was up to him as to what he wanted me to know.  There was silence for a few minutes and then he said "That is why I love you so much".

At Barney's we curled up on the sofa together and while he read some book on Economics and I read Edmond Rostand"s drama Cyrano de Bergerac. It was good thing we were both pretty serious about how much studying we had to do.  The phone rang once and he said he knew she was not going to give up easily.  I told him if he needed to talk to her when I was there I would go outside for a walk as long as it wasn't raining.  That got a good laugh and a repeat of the I love you from him. I told him I loved him more which I think surprised him.  A quick kiss and back to the books.  It was a great afternoon after a pretty terrible couple of days.

There were a lot of activities I was involved in that seemed to escalate during the last couple of weeks in April.  All the television/radio classes seemed to have evening shows, I was elected President of the local sorority I was in for the following year and I got involved in decorations for the ball the end of the month.  The funniest thing was being chosen to be on the Hall Council for the dorm Pam and I were going to live in. It was funny because then I would have a say in giving punishment for hall infractions like coming in late.  Cathie and I spent one afternoon rolling down the hills of Columbia in a huge tire she talked a guy out of. 
Somehow there was never a dull moment with Cathie and we did manage not to get arrested or killed. I still wonder what that poor innocent family thought when they arrived home one evening to find their front door blocked by a huge tire.

Barney was as busy as I was but we did manage to see each other every day even if it was for a short time.  Since the trip to St. Louis he seemed a lot more at ease when we were together especially on the weekends.  One night we went bowling with Cathie and her friend Marty. That was an experience as none of us could figure out how she could look like the bowling bowl should go forward but would end up rolling back behind her or how she managed to get it into the lane next to us.  Needless to say no one bowled very well that night due to the laughter.

I had talked to Mother a couple of times with no answer on the school deposit.  Calling Dad only got the reply "You know how your Mother is".
One night close to the deadline for the deposit to be in Barney and I were at one of the clubs listening to the band and dancing.  Out of the clear blue I just started crying.  The only time Barney had ever seen me cry was over a movie so he took me outside to see what was the matter.  I had never intended to tell him about my relationship with my mother as it was so confusing I didn't understand it.  

There were few, if any, friends I had ever told about my mother.  Not only was it confusing but also embarrassing since all my friends had mothers they could talk to, have fun going shopping with and confide in.  Outwardly every one who met her thought she was beautiful, intelligent and that we had this wonderful relationship.  In private nothing I ever did was right or good enough, she did not really like any of my friends or any boy I ever dated.  It was her idea that I should go to Stephens when I wanted to go to a college where my friends were going.  Now that I was doing well, happy and having fun she wanted to take that all away.

Sitting in Barney's car I felt like it sounded as if I was some spoiled, emotionally unstable child. Not quite the way I wanted him to view me as it was a story that was pretty difficult to believe.  He listened to the story until I ran out of tears without saying anything.  Then he said I needed to realize that no family was perfect and what you saw in public was perhaps not the way it really was in private.  Did I ever stop to think that because of the way she treated me perhaps it was the reason I was the fun, caring, compassionate and goal-orientated person he was in love with?

When he kissed me goodnight at the dorm he told me to stop worrying that everything would work out . 

Back From Spring Break

                                                                  Hugh Downs


Well walking in the door of the airport after deplaning the DC-3 Barney picked me up and twirled me around before giving me a huge kiss. That was a lifetime of outstanding greetings in one minute.  After picking up my suitcase full of books we headed off to dinner since I was starving as usual. The plane had taken off from Tulsa, barely got in the air before we landed in Joplin and then a very short flight to Columbia.  I am not sure I could have eaten if they had brought out food and what do you expect for a flight that had cost $12.60.

Dinner was interesting. When I told him about sitting next to Rin Tin Tin on the plane he laughed and said being with me was like a new adventure everyday.  He asked me more about my family, my knowledge of auto mechanics and hanging out with my little brother. That was all stuff we had never talked about in the month or so we had been dating. Guess in his world he had never met a girl who could change spark plugs and converse about engine parts and still behave as an ordinary girl.  He told me a lot about his family and growing up.  It was a surprise to realize we had been sitting there for two hours and it was time for me to check in at the dorm.

Back in the dorm everyone was telling stories of their vacations with the usual giggling and laughing that always happened with our little group. Pam had a wonderful time in New York and Sally was full of wild beach party stories. It was certainly a happy time for me to be back at school and I was very glad I had spent the vacation reading two books for Masterpieces of World Lit and written an English paper since school and activities were about to get very busy.

On Friday Hugh Downs and his wife came for the dedication of the new Helis Communication Center which housed all the Drama, Television, Radio and Film departments. He was the host on the Today Show and the game show Concentration.  His first television job had been as the announcer on the Tonight Show with Jack Paar.  Hugh Downs' wife was a 1941 graduate of Stephens College and was Hugh's first boss at a radio station in Chicago which is why they were invited for the dedication.  It was quite amazing to sit in one of the studios with Hugh Downs and the twenty or so television production students for two hours for a very informal talk with us asking questions.

We talked about production and current programming.  I still remember him saying that you could only improve what was currently on television by turning it off and reading a book or going to the movies. You should not just leave the television set on when there was nothing to watch.  Also to boycott products that had poor or false advertising.  As far as women in television, radio and film production the only way to break in was to be excellent at every aspect but be prepared to go in on the lowest rung of the ladder being ready to jump on any opportunity to show them what you could do.  

I was impressed by how down to earth and friendly Hugh Downs was and also that he was much nicer looking in person than on television.  All the set drawings we had done were posted on the wall and he very carefully looked at each one and autographed them for us.  It was a very proud moment when he singled mine out for the camera and light positions.  Guess I was learning something.  

Can you imagine having a boating and canoeing physical education class at 8:00 in the morning on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday?  
Somehow Cathie and I had signed up for it and did not think until that first Saturday morning that we had to be nuts.  First of all we had to hike out to the lake at 7:30 AM and then the other bad part was getting into a boat with Cathie.  Her favorite part of the class were the lessons in what to do if the boat turned over.  I think she could have turned over a forty foot yacht without trying very hard. Forget about not getting your hair wet back in the days when it took rollers and slow hairdryers to not look like a drowned rat for the rest of the day.  Forget that there was not enough time to change out of wet shorts or slacks for your next two classes.  We both appeared for Psychology and English clad in trench coats over dripping clothes. Guess that was not so bad considering some of the girls came in trench coats over their pajamas. Tuesday and Thursday were not quite as bad since I didn't have a class until 10:00 and could look halfway decent and fully clothed by then.

Saturday afternoon after I had put my hair back to looking respectful Sally, Woody, Pam and Cathie decided to go out to the lake.  Barney thought that sounded like fun so we all piled in his car and headed out. That was a fun afternoon in that Barney found out what a crazy group I really did live with.  No way was I going to get in a boat with Cathie so Sally and Woody were the ones to get soaked.  I picked a row boat so that Barney had to row while Pam and I got to ride.  Great afternoon - the start of the summer sunburn and lots of laughter.


Sunday Barney decided to show me he really could cook so we went to the grocery store and then to his place.  He did just a pretty great job of making spaghetti and meatballs, salad and garlic bread all by himself. Add a bottle of wine and it was better than going out.  While we were eating the phone rang and I noticed a funny look on his face.  He just said no one should bother us during dinner and did not answer it.  While we were doing dishes the phone rang again.  I told him he should answer it and that I would go outside.  He gave me a kiss and as I headed out the door I heard him say hello.  It was not even a very happy hello and definitely not the happy sounding  "Hey" I always got on the phone.

I sat on the steps for what seemed like hours but was actually only a few minutes.  The look  on his face and his reluctance to answer the phone sort of told me he knew it was not a call he wanted to answer with me there. I never did like listening to one side of a conversation which is why I ducked out the door.  Normally I am a really optimistic person but for some reason a real sense of dread crept through me.

Barney finally came out the door, sat down and put his arm around me. Then he asked if I was alright and perhaps my answer of "sure" was not real positive. 

Barney then said, "Come inside, I need to talk to you."

Learning New Things About Someone

I am not very good at asking questions.  Maybe that is something I learned growing up as the usual answer I got was "no" when I asked to go somewhere or do something.  Barney had asked me to study together on a Sunday afternoon and it had never dawned on me to ask where was the studying going to take place.  Of course I had said great but were we going to a library or the lake as it made a difference in what I was going to take to study. I also had not ever asked if he lived in a dorm, a house or an apartment.

He arrived at 1:00 to find me sitting outside the dorm armed with a variety of assignments I had to get done by Tuesday.  When we got in his car he said that I had already broken two of the three cardinal rules of Stephens by drinking and being out of the county at night, how did I feel about breaking the third rule?  What the heck, I might as well go for three out of three.   There was some apprehension in going off to his living quarters, as Stephens called them, since I had only known him for a week and a half.  

As we drove across town he told me he had lived in the dorm his first year at Mizzou and didn't like it very much. He looked for an apartment but found that they were expensive and noisy with all the other college students.  So he bought a house trailer from a graduating student.  That way he had his own place to live and study plus selling it when he graduated would pay for his living expenses.   Maybe only 4.0 Eagle Scout students think of things like that.

I have to admit that was the first house trailer I had ever been in and it was pretty neat.  As he showed me around I noticed lots of books, no television, no pictures of past girl friends and yes, I did look in the refrigerator to see that he did not cook much.  There was also no dust on the baseboards so he got an A for housekeeping. I think he got a big kick out of it when I only peeked at the bedroom for a second and then dashed back to the living area.  While laughing he acted liked he had just suddenly remembered that he had invited me over to study.  Then it was down to the business of studying.

He had a paper to type and I had some set drawings to do for the television class or a book to read for Masterpieces of World Literature. I chose not to read the book since it was Wuthering Heights and I knew I would be a crying mess reading it.  So I got the kitchen table for the big drawings and he put his typewriter on the coffee table.  The paper he was typing was on Economics and all he had to work from was a one page neatly typed outline, the kind every English teacher tries to teach students to do.  I must say I was quite impressed with the speed of the typewriter keys. Scratch the thought of ever getting into a typing contest with him.

I guess we worked about a couple of hours with a little conversation every once in awhile when all of a sudden while the typing was going on I heard him singing "Oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plain and the waving wheat can sure smell sweet when the wind comes right behind the rain."  I literally cracked up.  He smiled and went right on typing.  It took me awhile to come back at him when I suddenly remembered that he was from Kansas City.  That was easy so I sang "Goinin' to Kansas City, Kansas City here I come.  They got some pretty little  girls there and you'd better not get one."  That got him and he even had to stop typing because of laughter.  He told me that was not actually the words and I told him my words were better than the original ones.

In a couple of more hours he had a twenty page essay done complete with footnotes and no typing errors  and I had two set drawings done for a show similar to the Today show.  His friends, Mike and Christine, that had gone to Jefferson City with us came by and asked if we wanted to meet them for dinner in town.  Even though Mike kept referring to me as Cinderella I thought it would be fun especially since I was starving.

After dinner Barney, even though it was getting to be time for me to check in the dorm, he drove out by the football field and parked.  Barney laughed and said he didn't like to tell lies and by parking at the stadium some of his story to keep me out of trouble was now true.  Then he went on to say that he had seen me around Columbia several times during the year and I was always laughing and looked like I was having fun.  That was why he decided to ask me out and that I was the first thing he thought about every morning and the last thing at night.  
I was speechless as he gave me a quick kiss, started the car and told me he had to get me home before I turned into a pumpkin.  As I snuggled up against him I told him that I would not turn into a pumpkin his car would. Not only did he need to study up on fairy tales he need to drive better while laughing.

It was only two days until we were out of school for Spring Break and both days were incredibly busy for me with classes and sorority stuff.  
Barney had class on Monday night so we managed to meet for lunch each day.  It seemed like everyone was flying out on Wednesday to some place fun, Pam to New York City to visit with some of her Dad's family and Sally would be off to spend the week on the beach in Panama City, Florida.  Several girls were going to Hawaii with a girl from there.  Guess my parents had watched enough Beach Party movies to rationalize that I just needed to come home for the week.

                           No chance I could be like Gidget this year

My parents decided that it was too expensive for me to fly home and then have to be picked up in Tulsa so I got to make the 350 mile trip via Continental Trailways.  Barney took me to the bus station along with my suitcase packed with books thus time instead of too many clothes. He promised to call and pick me up the following week. He did not seem any happier to see me leave than I was in going.  The nine hour bus ride stopped being interesting by the time we got to Joplin.  I know the bus stopped at every town with a population of more than fifty people.  The parents were not too pleased that the bus arrived at 11:30 PM which was way past their bedtime.  I think the man who was drinking something out of a paper bag by the door of the bus station may have given her second thoughts about further bus ride trips for me.


Maybe Spring Break starting off a little bad would make the rest of the week better. One can hope.

Stephens College in the 64-65 school year was going through a transition from what had been a two year "finishing school" for young ladies to a full four year college.  Confusing as it sounds now freshmen were called juniors, sophomores were seniors and then the first of the third year students were called upperclassmen.  There was no Student Union where you could eat and hang out but a couple of Tearooms on the campus.

Many of the old traditional rules were still in place that were much different from the University of Missouri.  Sororities were local on campus, Vespers, which was a religious service, was required on Wednesday nights and there were many other functions that required your attendance. The important rules were no drinking, no being in men's living quarters and the requirement to be within the county limits during the day and the city limits at night.  The dorms were locked at 10:00 Sunday through Thursday and at 12:00 on Friday and Saturday.  Being late caused you to have to ring the doorbell and face the wrath of the dorm mother you kept up late.  All these were important things to remember.

The day after the skateboarding event I met Barney, class schedule in hand, at one of the tearooms for lunch. It was easy to put on pounds eating Stephens food either in the dining hall or the tearooms.  They made all their own bread and ice cream which was to die for.  Over meatloaf sandwiches Barney and I came to a schedule for the week which now seems very funny.  After two dates I felt like I was filling out a dance card with his name in little slots.  Thursday night would be my choice of what to do (perhaps a dangerous idea on his part) and Friday night he had planned a date and the only thing I knew about it was that I was to dress up. I guessed that would be the little basic black dress, heels and a single strand of pearls.


Picking something to do on Thursday night was pretty easy. Not giving a thought that most guys hate musicals I picked going to the movies to see Mary Poppins. There was a slight eye-roll from Barney when I announced where I wanted to go but he was the one that decided the evening was my choice.  There was the fleeting thought that perhaps making a guy I was really trying to impress go see Mary Poppins was not the best plan. After a stop for ice cream on the way home he was looking a little serious but a few songs and dance steps from me got him laughing. When we arrived at the dorm he told me he really had fun and was looking forward to the next night.  Relief - I hadn't blown it yet.

Must say when he came to pick me up on Friday night we made a pretty good looking couple.  I, in my basic black and he in a suit and tie. The dorm mother looked like she had just fallen in love herself. On the way to his car he said we were double dating with friends of his but wouldn't tell me where we were going. Now what college student drives a 1964 Pontiac Booneville?  No wonder we were walking everywhere.  It took up two parking spaces and there was enough room in the front seat for six people. It seemed a little lonely sitting by the passenger door until he said "Hey" and pointed to the seat right next to him.  I gladly moved over so that I did not have to shout to talk to him.  

1964 Pontiac Booneville

Off we went and I noticed the city limit sign as we sped by, then the county limit sign. It wasn't that I hadn't broken any Stephens rules before it just was difficult to ask where we were going as my stomach began to sort of roll around.  I had the feeling he was determined to keep the location of our date a secret so I didn't ask and tried to not show terror in my voice as we drove down the highway further and further from Columbia.

Finally we arrived at the destination which ended up being an elegant  hotel in the Missouri capitol of Jefferson City.  It was a little difficult to behave in a normal manner upon arriving at a hotel.  What was the guy I hardly knew thinking and how do I get out of this one?  You cannot imagine my relief when we entered the huge dining room with an orchestra playing and people dining and dancing.  For an eighteen year old girl from Muskogee, Oklahoma this was just like in the movies and I felt like Cinderella.

All thoughts of breaking a Stephens rule that could put me on a plane home the next morning disappeared from my head during dinner.  The other couple was fun and Barney turned out to be a very good dancer.
Gliding across the floor I was having the time of my life until I happened to glance at his watch.  Did it really say 11:40?  Like Cinderella my witching hour was 12:00 and we were thirty-five miles from Columbia. There is no quick way to exit a restaurant and get a car from valet parking.  It seemed like forever before we actually got on the highway.

That was the first time I was ever in a car going 100 miles an hour.  The speed did not terrify me at all but the thought of what was going to happen when I had to ring the dorm doorbell and face Mrs. Wells certainly did.  Then there was the problem of concocting a logical story about why I was late without anyone finding out that we had been a long way out of the city limits.  By the time we did get back to the dorm I was beyond thinking or speaking.  Barney parked the car in the middle of the street, grabbed my hand to pull me out of the car and we headed for the door.

He kept telling me everything would be alright and how sorry he was.
When we got to the door before I rang the bell he kissed me and said "Let me do the talking".  He told Mrs. Wells something about someplace we had gone and the car would not start and we had to walk back to the dorm.  She was just happy to see him and would have believed anything he told her.

So far, so good.

Mabel Wells, Dorm Mother

Making The Best of a Not Merry Christmas

Funny how we look forward to something, imagine how much fun it is going to be and whip it up in our mind to be nothing short of spectacular.  When I did that it usually turned out to be a disaster.  Guess I learned pretty young that one needs a great amount of "spring back" to navigate through life.

Going home for Christmas after four months away at college still stands out as one of those events.  What I imagined as two and a half weeks of family, fun and Christmas spirit was quickly dashed the moment I got off the plane.  For some reason Mother was not prepared for the once again blonde haired daughter who arrived with luggage forty pounds overweight filled with clothes borrowed from friends. It was several days later that she began speaking to me.  Actually I didn't want to talk to her as she had sold my car.  

This was behavior I was quite used to since any minor little mistake, coming home from a date late, dating someone she didn't like, getting involved with cheer leading, plays or not agreeing with her on every thought she had resulted in the same silent treatment. Poor Dad was treated the same way.  We actually went on a vacation once when Mother did not speak to Dad for the entire two weeks we were gone. That was an interesting trip filled with the usual "Donna, would you tell your Father it it time to eat" or "Donna, would you tell your Father he is on the wrong road".  I did learn to read a map at an early age.  

I learned from Dad to simply live through the silence until I was on Mother's list of people who were worth talking to.  There was never a discussion on why she was not speaking to us and acted like everything was fine.  Placating her moods and whims was not good for either of us and was a behavior pattern I kept for far too many years.



I do remember a few things about those three and a half weeks of Christmas vacation. A guy, Dennis, I had dated my senior year came home for a few days.  He had been a student teacher at our high school and was off in New Mexico working.  Before I had left for college he was in the "marry me now or never" mode. He was older and more serious than I was and the idea of marriage was pretty far out of my realm.  I left for college which was my answer to his question.  When he came home that Christmas I got him to take me to see the Ice Capades in Tulsa.  That was fun. My answer to his question was the same as it had been in the fall.

My lifesaver was a boy who was a year younger than me that lived around the corner. Tom had been in the speech department at high school with me.  We started hanging out together and went to a dance or two, the movies and I got to counsel him on his girl problems.  He was extremely funny and I seem to remember that we laughed all the time. Besides he had to be home earlier than I so I stayed out of trouble in that respect with Mother. Guess Tom was not a threat to Mother's little world.

Tom at Honor Heights Park

One day we went out and took pictures of the "sights" in Muskogee so I could take them back to college and show them to my friends. On New Year's Eve we went to a dance at Meadowbrook Country Club where I had been a lifeguard the summer before.  Mother was in the hospital after having some surgery.  We stopped by the hospital before the dance.  Tom was wearing a huge black cape and carrying a briefcase in which we had put a bottle of champagne and some glasses to celebrate the evening with Mother.  Must have been as interesting sight. I think I was actually celebrating that in two days I would be on the plane headed back to college. Doing silly things with Tom saved that Christmas time at home.



This has been a very hard story to write.   I have spent the last six weeks trying to decide how to explain the patterns of behavior I developed growing up.  If I didn't then I really could not go on with my stories.  So many of our choices and decisions we make through our life come from patterns of behavior we learn at a very young age.  My term "spring back" that I used in the first part of this story gave me the ability to make the most of a bad decision or situation.  When things were not good or happy I have the ability to put them aside and spring back to a happier mode. I have also had the great good fortune of having friends and family I could depend on.

It gets really interesting from here on.  If you want to keep reading go back up to the top and hit the little subscribe box.  You will get put on the automatic mailing list.