It was an extremely long Saturday the day Barney drove to St. Louis to talk to Sarah. Having classes all morning kept half of my mind occupied, there was always homework to do and staying surrounded by all my friends all helped. Receiving flowers from Barney with a card with the word "love" written on it got me through some really anxious moments.
Perhaps the worst part was the empathy I felt for both Barney and Sarah. How do you tell someone you have been in a long term relationship with that all of a sudden you don't love them anymore? Do you tell them someone else came along who you now love more than them? Do you throw up a list of every negative thing that you feel has occurred in the relationship? Or how do you feel when you hear those words? The old saying "Sticks and stones can hurt my bones but words can never harm me" is totally backwards and stupid. You can heal from wounds inflected by sticks and stones. Words never go away they just float through your mind forever.
Sunday morning the phone in the hall rang at 9:00 AM and I was the closest one to it that was awake, as I had been most of the night, to answer it. I was a little surprised but very happy to hear the familiar "Hey". I asked him if he was alright and he said yes and that he had gotten back to Columbia about 8:00 the night before but just needed some time alone. He asked if I had homework to do like he did and it would be more fun if we did it together. I, of course had lots to do, so I jumped at the chance to be with him. He said he would pick me up at 11:00, we'd have lunch and then study away the afternoon.
It seemed like Sunday mornings were the times when Mother always picked to call me. Thank heavens it did not happen too often as most of the calls were not very positive. Real nice of her to pick this Sunday morning to call with the worst of the worst ones. She said they had received a letter from Stephens to let them know it was necessary for the school to know who was returning for the next year and that I had filled out forms indicating I would be returning. Although she acted like it was a huge surprise I had talked with her during the spring break about coming back the next year and how Pam and I were planning on rooming together. At that time she was all pleased about it but now she was not sure they wanted to send in the deposit to hold my place. The deposit needed to be sent by the first of May which was two weeks away and we ended the phone call with her perhaps still thinking about it. Why did she do this to me on this day of all days? The only thing I could do was to hide my anger, disappointment and a few tears and go on.
It was a very happy sight to see Barney in the lobby visiting with his biggest fan, Mrs. Wells. She was very pleased to see me with an arm load of books and wished us both happy studies as we went out the door. We went off to a little restaurant and ended up with a late breakfast instead of lunch. I chatted away, told him I loved the flowers and remembered to wish him a happy Easter. About halfway through breakfast he looked at me rather strangely and asked why I hadn't said anything about his trip to St Louis. I told him I did not think it would be nice or fair of me to quiz him on their conversation. That I knew it was a difficult thing for him to do and even a harder thing for Sarah to hear and that it was up to him as to what he wanted me to know. There was silence for a few minutes and then he said "That is why I love you so much".
At Barney's we curled up on the sofa together and while he read some book on Economics and I read Edmond Rostand"s drama Cyrano de Bergerac. It was good thing we were both pretty serious about how much studying we had to do. The phone rang once and he said he knew she was not going to give up easily. I told him if he needed to talk to her when I was there I would go outside for a walk as long as it wasn't raining. That got a good laugh and a repeat of the I love you from him. I told him I loved him more which I think surprised him. A quick kiss and back to the books. It was a great afternoon after a pretty terrible couple of days.
There were a lot of activities I was involved in that seemed to escalate during the last couple of weeks in April. All the television/radio classes seemed to have evening shows, I was elected President of the local sorority I was in for the following year and I got involved in decorations for the ball the end of the month. The funniest thing was being chosen to be on the Hall Council for the dorm Pam and I were going to live in. It was funny because then I would have a say in giving punishment for hall infractions like coming in late. Cathie and I spent one afternoon rolling down the hills of Columbia in a huge tire she talked a guy out of.
Somehow there was never a dull moment with Cathie and we did manage not to get arrested or killed. I still wonder what that poor innocent family thought when they arrived home one evening to find their front door blocked by a huge tire.
Barney was as busy as I was but we did manage to see each other every day even if it was for a short time. Since the trip to St. Louis he seemed a lot more at ease when we were together especially on the weekends. One night we went bowling with Cathie and her friend Marty. That was an experience as none of us could figure out how she could look like the bowling bowl should go forward but would end up rolling back behind her or how she managed to get it into the lane next to us. Needless to say no one bowled very well that night due to the laughter.
I had talked to Mother a couple of times with no answer on the school deposit. Calling Dad only got the reply "You know how your Mother is".
One night close to the deadline for the deposit to be in Barney and I were at one of the clubs listening to the band and dancing. Out of the clear blue I just started crying. The only time Barney had ever seen me cry was over a movie so he took me outside to see what was the matter. I had never intended to tell him about my relationship with my mother as it was so confusing I didn't understand it.
There were few, if any, friends I had ever told about my mother. Not only was it confusing but also embarrassing since all my friends had mothers they could talk to, have fun going shopping with and confide in. Outwardly every one who met her thought she was beautiful, intelligent and that we had this wonderful relationship. In private nothing I ever did was right or good enough, she did not really like any of my friends or any boy I ever dated. It was her idea that I should go to Stephens when I wanted to go to a college where my friends were going. Now that I was doing well, happy and having fun she wanted to take that all away.
Sitting in Barney's car I felt like it sounded as if I was some spoiled, emotionally unstable child. Not quite the way I wanted him to view me as it was a story that was pretty difficult to believe. He listened to the story until I ran out of tears without saying anything. Then he said I needed to realize that no family was perfect and what you saw in public was perhaps not the way it really was in private. Did I ever stop to think that because of the way she treated me perhaps it was the reason I was the fun, caring, compassionate and goal-orientated person he was in love with?
When he kissed me goodnight at the dorm he told me to stop worrying that everything would work out .
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