When I originally started this blog a couple of years ago I named it I Should Have Known because if I had somehow known a lot of things perhaps I would have made better choices, worked harder at being really successful at one thing instead of mediocre at several and been seen as a more normal person - whatever that is. Life has certainly been a roller coaster ride with all the ups and downs but it was and still is a heck of a lot of fun.
Maybe from my little stories my readers do not get the fact that I am incredibly shy. Even though I jump into new things telling myself "I can do that" there was relatively little self confidence that I could do anything. One of my high school friends recently said they had always thought I was very laid back. If they only knew that I was really hiding the fact that I thought of myself as not smart, not popular, not pretty or cute or able to do anything well. Maybe I just smiled a lot and tried to be nice to others so they would like me.
It is interesting in that a lot of the personality traits or our inner perception of ourselves does not change much as we grow up. It seemed like when I was in dancing class in grade school and junior high I was always the largest one in the class and by fourteen I was wearing a size fourteen when everyone else was a size eight. Mother always told me I wasn't fat, only "solid" whatever that meant. Now at thirty pounds less than what I weighed in high school I am still surprised to see the skinny size six me when I look in the mirror instead of the "solid" me.
One of the first blogs I wrote in this series was titled "I don't have bad hair days, I have bad hair". It gives a pretty good description of a lifetime of wanting to have long beautiful locks when I was stuck with hair similar to a dog's. It only grows so long and it stops. I think I described it by asking it you ever saw a dog like a German Shepard dragging long hair down the sidewalk. Lucky for me every few decades the short pixie style haircut comes back into vogue which gives the chance to look in the mirror and figure I look okay.
Now to the lack of self confidence. I hear someone say everyday they wished they could learn to play a musical instrument, write a book, ice or roller skate, paint a like an artist and countless other things. It is easy to just sit back and wish you could do a lot of things. It is a lot of work to try but what have you lost if you try and not become a Dorothy Hamill, a Gene Krupa or a Dan Brown? I look at it as you missed a lot of fun in trying and the self esteem that you at least tried. Who knows if you keep trying you might just get great at something.
So, what brought on this sudden change in my story line about my rather strange life? The chance came up for some auditions to a musical theater production. It required a lot of tap dancing so naturally I signed up for a crash course so I could audition. It also required a singing audition which was a stretch as my musician son has always said I sing off key.
Well, the tap dancing was difficult since it is hard to compete against twenty-somethings who have been dancing since they were born. But I learned that I could do it, it is really fun and I have a pair of expensive tap shoes so I will be ready for the next audition with more practice. I was terrified to think about the singing audition but did work pretty hard practicing to sing on key. By the time I walked on stage in front of everyone I think I thought "what the heck" and belted out the song pretty much on key. Having previously flunked singing auditions I surprised everyone - even Marshell and myself.
Marshell, my "now" husband as I call him to distinguish him from the others, always tells me self confidence is a wonderful thing. It is but it is not something I think I have ever had. The important thing is that I tried. Next time I hear someone say they can't do something I am going to tell them to at least try. The really fun aspect of my life is the my willingness to try new things. Maybe I will never be a great writer, tap dancer, musician, artist and world famous but I will always know that at least I tried.
That is my little story or lecture for the week. Have my inner perceptions of my self changed? No, in my little brain I am still not smart, cute, talented or anything else. I am still that shy little girl afraid that I can't do anything and no one likes me but I certainly have a lot of fun. Throw away all your self doubts and get out and do all those things you always wanted to do.
Back to the story line next week. Hmm....let's see....will I get fired from my volunteer job? What will happen next?
By the way, I did get a part in the play. Not dancing and maybe not singing but at least I did get a part.
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