With the thirty-third birthday over with I really didn't feel any older just didn't like the sound of thirty-three. Maybe I would tell anyone who asked that I was thirty-four as it sounded better. Or I could tell everyone I was forty-four and make they think how great I looked for my age.
I really did not have to think very hard about who sent the roses for my birthday. Lucky for me that no one questioned where they came from. I would have to come up with something really good for his birthday the next month. When I met Barney for lunch the next day I thanked him for the roses. He flashed a silly smile and asked how I knew it was him to which I told him he was the only one who ever sent me roses then just gave him a smile back as we headed off for another picnic.
Back when we were together in college, in my not very astute days, I noticed something very interesting about Barney. He had the most amazing eyes. If I ignored facial expressions, a laugh or a happy or sad story I could tell how he felt just by looking at his eyes. There were times when I knew to end a story I was rattling on with if a look of sadness appeared or times when I knew not to pursue a question. It was Shakespeare that said " The Eyes are the window to your soul". Everyone's eyes do it to some extent but Barney much more than most.
There were a lot of times in college when I would talk about my family and he had been through a lot of those trials and tribulations with me that I caught the look of sadness in his eyes. Immature me assumed that he was feeling bad for me. But if I asked questions about his family there were brief answers and overwhelming sadness in his eyes so I dropped the subject. All I really knew was that his father had passed away when he was an infant and he had no brothers or sisters.
That day sitting under a tree at the Liberty Memorial that overlooks the city I paid extra attention to his eyes. When I told the story about how I had told the women at the New Neighbors Coffee that morning that I thought I had died and gone to heaven moving to Kansas City I could see laughter. When I started on funny stories about the boys even though he smiled there was an look of sadness. Maybe it was way past time when I should ask a few questions.
So, I told him that I knew very little about him growing up except that his father had passed away when he was little, he was an Eagle scout, Mr.4.0 student and played football since I had his high school letter. I had also noticed that in college he never went home on weekends or holidays....why? Also why do you get this sad look in your eyes when I talk about Wes and Wally? He sat there for quite awhile being very quiet but I wasn't going to give up and change the subject.
Finally he drew a deep breathe and told me that everything was fine until he was eleven. It had been just he and his Mom but she remarried and his step-father had a boy and a girl about his same age. The blended family did not turn out to be much like the Brady Bunch. His stepfather had a boy and a girl close to his age that he got along fairly well with but the stepfather thought a boy should be more interested in football than Boy Scouts. He tried but things just never seemed to please his stepfather. He just withdrew into scouts and school, spent summer at scout camps and then summers at college. Why was I asking?
I told him I was asking because he never talked about his family and I had always wondered. When I had asked him how his Mom was several months ago he had gotten this look in his eyes that I had seen many times before, said "Fine" and I knew to drop the subject. Had he ever stopped to think that maybe his family situation growing up made him into the magnificent person he had grown to be? There are probably not really any Brady Bunch families or even any Leave it to Beavers in the world. Every family has their own set of problems and raising children is not easy. You just have to do the best you can.
He asked me if he was so magnificent when he asked me to marry so years ago why I said no. I told him he was still working on the magnificent part since he was only half-way there. There was Sarah, Northwestern and all the things you wanted to do and I, lacking in any self-confidence, was sacred that I would ruin your life. So I just let you go get magnificent on your own. Besides you first wanted to pay my way to Stephen, then why didn't I just come live with you and marrying you was the last offer. Not the correct order, sir.
It was quite amazing watching his eyes as I went from funny things to things that he felt bad about. Barney finally caught me really watching his eyes and said he didn't believe it was really true that I could tell. It is true that you can tell what someone is feeling by their eyes.
When I was a teenager I started noticing my mother's eyes and could tell if I was in trouble or not before she ever spoke. Then in college in one of the pre-med classes the professor went into great detail about it.
Your pupils actually dilate in response to light, mental effort, happiness and sexual arousal. They will constrict with fear, lies and anger. You can't change how our pupils react to a certain situation and unlike our mouths, they can never lie. I have found that I have to know the person fairly well to read them and some people it is really hard to tell. I can always tell when Wes is telling me a whopper but I could tell by your eyes what you were feeling long before I knew the science behind it. So, what is the deal with the constriction of your pupils when I talk about the boys or ask about your family growing up?
His answer was fear. He married Lauren because she was adamant about not wanting children. Then due to his not having a father around, then one he didn't do well with he didn't think he could be a good father. Your stories about the boys always sound so happy and so much fun even when their behavior was not what you might have wanted. I think with you I would have wanted lots of kids.
There were a lot of times Barney could really cause me not to know what to say next. The only thing I could tell him was that your only example of parenting that you start with are your own parents. The best I could do was to keep the good parts of mine and change the bad ones. Hopefully your spouse looks at things the same way but that doesn't always happen. It isn't easy raising children but I can not imagine not having them.
All he could say was how much he loved me to which I replied that I loved him. Also that if I didn't get going I was going to have a mother-in-law with tiny dots for pupils.
What a day. My mother always said that people needed to forget bad things about their childhood days and move on. At thirty-three I am beginning to realize that regardless of how hard we try that little child is still inside of us all.
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