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In some alternate universe I had believed that telling Dennis I had filed for divorce would be the worst part of the ordeal. I would break the news to him, he would sigh, move out of the house, go on his way and that would be that. I should have known better but funny thing is that no one tells you the aftermath of that kind of breaking news flash.
His first reaction was not a sigh but more a combination of shock and rage. The shock came from the fact that I never argued since I learned early on I always was wrong. I think he believed I was the happiest little wife in the world since dinner was always on the table at the prescribed time, the yard was mowed by 5:00 on Friday afternoon, house and clothes clean and tidy and I was always fine with uprooting and moving across the country. Maybe there was also the element of what would friends and family say when they found out what looked to be a perfect marriage had just fallen apart.
The rage was a whole other story. Hadn't he always provided me with a nice house, new cars and everything I wanted? Now I was going to have to live in a ghetto or be a homeless person pushing around a shopping cart with a few ragged possessions. He would take the boys away from me as I was not a good mother. Somehow he came to the conclusion that roller skating was the entire reason I had filed for divorce and that I had to be having an affair while rolling around the rink with the children. The worst part is that he did not move out of the house as he was staking his claim to it also.
I moved into the guest room the very evening I broke the news to him relived that that part of the ordeal was done. Just like no one had ever said how painful the announcement of divorce was they also did not prepare me for the aftermath of living in the same house together. What happens when no one moves out and it takes months for a final settlement? Not knowing what to do I just carried on in my usual fashion of cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing. Dennis arrived home every evening to dinner on the table but I never knew whether he would be in rage mode and yelling at me as to how bad a person I was or come home trying to be nice and begging me to stay. He even suggested that I didn't need to file for divorce, I could just stay in the guest room and we could act like everything was hunky dory.
After a few weeks he suggested we go to a marriage counselor. Not my favorite idea but I was trying to keep the waters calm because of the boys so I agreed. I think we went twice and had to take Wes and Wally with us. They did not want to talk to the guy and I couldn't blame them. At that point in time they were so confused about what was going on what could they even say. I never could figure out if we only went twice because Dennis said that is all health insurance would pay for or if he really did not want to listen to anymore.
At the counselor's Dennis expressed his bewilderment in why I would not want to stay married to him as the guy was just trying to get some basic information. He believed we had been perfectly happy for the past nineteen and half years. It did not take long for the counselor to decide to talk to us one at a time. I went and sat with the boys while Dennis poured out his frustrations.
When my turn came I just told the guy that I just had reached the end of trying to be the person he wanted me to be. When he asked what I meant by that it really opened up the flood gate. I don't think until that moment that I ever really thought much about why Dennis treated me as he did. But as I poured out the stories of the Honeymoon From Hell, how he wanted me to finish college and become as English teacher but I got a degree in Pre-Med so I could go to medical school, how he really had no friends since everyone he met was stupid, how he gave our dog away because the kids and I adored it, how everything that happened was my fault especially how I made him gain weight and that he was honestly never happy.
I told him how some minor infraction like having fun on a Ford company trip to some exotic place could get me the silent treatment for several weeks after we got home. How every time I had a little business going or was getting close to applying to medical school he got us moved to a new place. Sure I got a new car every year due to the fact that he worked for Ford but most of the time it was his choice and not mine, sure we lived in nice houses but the only one that was my choice was the one he cursed everyday we lived there. That was when I came to the realization that Dennis was so insecure that he did not want me to succeed at anything and that he really did not want friends because they only made him feel more insecure.
The counselor was a little amazed and asked me how I managed to survive all those years. I told him that it was really pretty simple. I merely was who he wanted me to be during the time he was home and who I wanted to be when he was at work or travelling for his job. Somehow when he traveled with his job and I managed to very capable of doing everything myself from fixing a car to tearing down a broken racing engine to managing the house to taking care of the boys and making lots of friends. It was like when he left for work in the morning it was my happy time to dance as I cleaned house or run around with friends or played with the boys or roller skated and just had fun until he walked back in the door. The silent treatment got to the point where it was okay because for a few days or weeks I wasn't called stupid and besides my mother had treated me much the same way.
Time was up for that session. When we went back the next week he talked to both of us at the same time. His first comment to me was that I should win an academy award for my performance through the years. He told Dennis some of the things I had said and how did Dennis think we could work through our differences. I thought Dennis was going to explode and he told the counselor none of it was true. I sat very quietly as the counselor went through some of the things I had said and asked Dennis about them. It was really very sad that the last time he could remember socializing with anyone except Ford people was our going away parties in New Jersey over a year before, no I did get to pick my new car every year but it had to be a van so we could drag around a race car trailer, no he had lots of friends but had trouble naming any and he gave the dog away because it was too much trouble. We made another appointment for the next week but cancelled it.
Actually going to a counselor was a good thing. That was when Dennis realized no matter how much he begged and pleaded with me to cancel the divorce I was not going to do it. I also learned that I was at fault. A few stories back I wrote that the old saying about "sticks and stones can hurt your bones but words can never harm you" was not accurate. Would things have been a lot different if I had fought back when Dennis called me names, did things I didn't like or just simply stood up for what I wanted or what I thought the right thing to do was? Divorce is usually a two way street and my inability to argue and just remain silent only made me miserable and gave Dennis the opportunity to feel secure. It was strange but at that time I seemed to be crying everyday when I was the one who filed for divorce. But there was no going back. One would think that maybe everything would go a little better living in the same house until some future court date.
But that was only the beginning.......
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